One Way or Another...

Miranda is fucking confused and thus has stopped thinking period.

I passed out Saturday night after all the crap with Coach because I was just exhausted. After waking up about 3 am and dragging myself to bed I slept about another 8 hours and woke up feeling discombobulated. I’m perplexed. I’m agog. I’m confounded. I’m confused. I’m pole-axed. In other words, I just don’t know what I want to do about the whole situation with Coach.

I had lunch with him and we spent a few hours after that running errands on Sunday and just hanging out before he left to go back to DC. He was trying hard to make things seem normal but my heart just wasn’t in it. I wasn’t being a downer but I certainly wasn’t my normal sparkling self. Coach apologized to me several times and said its killing him that he hurt me like this. I told him he doesn’t have a single fan in his corner from my camp. He asked if I could forgive him and I told him I honestly didn’t know. That I just needed some time to clear my head. We didn’t break up but things were definitely left hanging in the air when he left.

I feel like I’ve shut down on my ability to process what I want to do. Like I’m retreating from it all and refusing to think about it at all right now. I guess it’s some sort of self-preservation mechanism.

There’s a part of me that is arguing to give him one more shot because ultimately he is a good person. That side of me argues that we’re both new at this “relationship” stuff and maybe it just takes time to work past some of the baggage we carry from our past. That side of me reminds me how happy I have been with him and how many good things there are about him. This side of me says we all have our flaws and that everyone deserves a chance to grow and change and maybe this is his chance to change. He’s already got so many other qualities I want that I need to give him one last shot to prove that he’s the man I think he can be.

Then there’s another part of me arguing to cut the ties now and move on because I don’t want to get caught in an unhealthy relationship cycle. This part of me is suspicious and makes me wonder if he can lie about these little things, what else will he lie about in the future. This part of me says if he still lived here, maybe I’d give him another shot but adding this recent drama on top of the fact that he lives 324 miles away for god knows how long just makes it not worth it anymore. This part of me says people don’t change and I so don’t want another “fixer-upper” like Duckie.

Obviously for every point I come up with I have a counter point. I think this situation would be so much easier to navigate through if he’d physically done something like cheated. I feel like every time I circle close to the idea of ending it, some internal thing is telling me hold off, to think a little more, to be really sure this is what I want to do. I just don’t know why there’s that little nudge inside keeping me from making a final decision.

Basically I’m in limbo and just not dealing with it. I think I’m just going to take a few days and try not to think too much and hopefully by the end of this week my internal compass will be pointing one way or another.

Miranda

PS Check out our new poll option to the right. First question to answer - Should Miranda dump Coach?