A Big Fucking Bump In the Road

I don’t know what’s going to happen with Coach. He lied again. 

He came home yesterday and I asked him several times about what his plans for today were and was he going to be at my softball practice.  He said multiple times he was and that he’d be home around lunchtime.  He also said he was driving his own car to his son’s basketball tournament so he wouldn’t be stuck there all day.

Cut to this morning he leaves early to go to the basketball tournament.  I wake up and text him about 10:30 or so to see when he’d be home and he answers “about 5 pm.”  I rightfully am pissed and say something smart back to him and he tries to be cute and funny to diffuse the situation.  I laid into Coach via text and let him know exactly how I felt.  For hours I steamed about it and decided on my way to practice I may as well check out the rest of his story and see if his car just happened to be at the ex’s house.  It was.  I texted him and asked if he drove himself and he said, “Yes.”  I questioned him again and he said, “I rode with my dad.”  I seriously about lost my mind in that moment. 

After practice my sister in law came back to my apartment for a while and it was my intention to be gone to Gwyn’s house before Coach got here.  I got delayed though and spent a very uncomfortable 30 minutes with him and my sister in law before I could leave.  As I left, he asked if I wanted to talk and I said not really that I was still too mad but that I’d be back later.  Even as pissed as I was I still took the time later on to text him and let him know exactly when I’d be home.

Fast forward a couple hours I come home from Gwyn’s and he’s packed up all his shit and left.  He sent me a text saying he was at his sister’s taking care of her dogs.  We texted a little and I ended up calling him and asking what in the hell his problem was that he’d walk away like that.  We got into is some via the phone and he said he had gotten mad about the way I’d left and thought I wouldn’t want to see him tonight.  He also said he had gone to his sister’s and planned to go out with friends tonight but decided that wasn’t smart. (NO FUCKING SHIT ASSHOLE!) I finally said I wasn’t going to have the conversation via phone, if he wanted to talk he could come over.

He did and we talked (re I alternately spoke calmly, cried, and yelled) for more than an hour.  He swears he didn’t mean to lie that he simply “forgot” that we had plans this afternoon when he got in the car with his dad.  I told him all this was so much bigger than the fact that he lied today.  I told him all this shit (the previous lying and walking out today and one other time) was so much bigger than his lies today.  I told him all this made me feel like I was a second class citizen in his life. And letting things slide was a hell of a lot easier to do when he wasn’t living 324 miles away.

I told him I couldn’t be in this relationship and feel like this. That I deserved better and I couldn’t keep repeating this pattern. That us having been together for just a little over two months and for us to have had three big issues was ridiculous.  And I’d be damned if I was going to spend six months repeating this same cycle over and over.  We’re grown ups that have been in long term marriages. We know exactly how to make relationships work and how to kill them. 

I told him he needed to think about if he could be in the relationship because I couldn’t be if things didn’t change.   I told him I need someone who’s going to fight for me as much as I fight for them.  That I don’t want someone who just walks away. That I don’t want to have to question his intergiry and wonder if he’s telling me the truth. That I want someone who damn well shows up when they say they will and if they can’t be there, they admit it straight out.  I told him as much as I wanted him to spend the night (since we don’t have much time together these days) I didn’t feel like it was smart. I had to stand up for myself at some point and this was it.

He said he understood, hugged me, kissed my forehead, said he loved me, and then showed himself out the door. He’s sent me a couple text since then saying to give him time and that he will fight for me. 

I feel upset, rightfully so, and am now a sodden heap of self pity lying desolately on my couch. That being said I am sort of proud of myself in a weird way for drawing the line in the sand. I’ve never done that before in a relationship. 

I guess I’ll just see where things go from here. I feel like I want to forgive him but I just don’t know that I can let myself do so. 

Miranda