Monday, November 22, 2010

Let It Be

So outside of my outrageously trashy Friday night the weekend was pretty quiet for me.  I took a 24 hour vow of solitude Saturday night-Sunday night. Why? I don’t know really.  I just felt like I needed some time to process my Friday night behavior and you all know I’m not the best at being alone so I figured a 24 hour challenge was in order.

I didn’t talk to anyone I didn’t have to (especially boys) and I didn’t go anywhere to interact with anyone.  Hell I was even in bed asleep by 11 on Saturday.  Sacrilege!  Sunday I did a bunch of work and cleaned and spent a lot of time thinking about my life.

Not too long ago, ok a little over two months ago, I proclaimed I “wanted the fairy tale.” But when I look at my behavior I really haven’t put any effort into finding the fairy tale or damn even acting like I wanted the fairy tale. I mean I settled down a bit but I’ve still had my wild nights then I started hanging out with SoCo and then the thing happened this weekend with the Friend.  Though I do think I’ve made progress with not obsessing over guys who are “not into me” and cutting loose the ones I’m really not interested in.  I’m definitely staying away from PoF which is nothing but positive. 

But I’m still not really putting effort into finding that fairy tale.  What effort should I be putting forth?  I don’t know really. But I do know that having this casual relationship with SoCo is probably preventing me from even the possibility of finding anyone else. 

I’ve been worried a little about him finding out about the Friend even to the point that today I told Gwyn I thought he and I needed to talk about what exactly we are doing together.  But I don’t want to have that conversation and like Gwyn said, it wouldn’t change anything except relieve some of my anxiety.  So I’m just going to let it be for now.  We’ve got no claim on each other and if he wants more, he can damn well man up and say it.  I’m not going to walk anyone into a relationship. 

The real question is do I want a relationship with him.  I don’t know really. I’ve enjoyed the time we’ve spent together and he’s definitely a Mr. Right Now.  However I don’t know that I would want to be in a relationship with a Mr. Right Now. He’s good for this FWB (yes Gwyn I know it’s not a real FWB) relationship but I think that’s about the extent of it.

On a funny note, my mom randomly invited me to dinner tonight and I was afraid it was going to be yet another intervention. From time to time she feels the need to sit me down and talk about my behavior - by behavior I mean my posts and photos on Facebook.  She reads way too much into them.  Thankfully, there were no men in little white coats trying to shove me in a van and deliver me to Betty Ford. We actually had a great dinner together and talked and talked.  I think in some weird way she’s starting to identify with me as a single woman.  She did tell me tonight that she’s noticed some ways that Duckie behaves that really annoy her now and that she realizes he did/acted that way before but she always tolerated it for my sake.  HA! 

Random other tidbits for you.  No word from Sawyer since Friday night. He’s probably pissed. Probably imagining how I went home and hooked up with someone else.  Which would be correct! HA!  I have been thinking that I was going to officially end it with him. I mean we don’t see each other anymore though he hasn’t given up asking to see me.  And we hardly ever even email anymore.  But I feel like I want to declare to him that I’m not going to help him be a cheater anymore. That he either needs to repair things with his wife or end the marriage and that I can’t be a part of things either way.  I don’t know that I will, but it’s a nice imaging being able to say all that.

Leo told me that he, Ladybug, and Duckie are going out of town for Thanksgiving and spending it with the girlfriend’s family.  OMG he’s so going to ask her to marry him soon!  I’m keeping my fingers crossed.  Maybe he’ll even propose on Christmas like he did for me!  Talk about something coming full circle!  By the way in case you’re interested, he proposed Christmas morning by putting the ring on a bow and tying it to our dog.  Interestingly, the girlfriend just got a dog….

College Crush has started texting me like crazy the last 24 hours.  Whatever gimp!  I’ll be his friend but nothing more.

Last week Twin emailed me some and tried to get me to talk about being in a relationship with him.  WTF!  Gimps abound!

Oh and in case you were wondering, not a peep from FJB.  Maybe I’m finally free!


1 comment:

  1. I'm a BIG fan of the 'let it be' approach...esp in these situations and esp when you don't yet know what you want from it either. It's hard at times to not have answers, but it allows for things to keep flowing the way they are and in some cases that's a good thing.
    PS On a side note, really Duckie is taking the kids to HER parents' house for Thanksgiving?? Holy fuck, they've known each other a matter of weeks.