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Monday, November 29, 2010

Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater?

What a difference a year makes. I was thinking today how different things were last year at this very time. My family was incredibly fractured from my Dad’s death. Duckie and I were in the first throes of breaking up. I was in the early stages of my affair with Sawyer and shocked at my own behavior while beginning to imagine that there was something lasting between he and I. I pretty much sat around the house freaked out thinking about divorce and alternately crying over the loss of my Dad and the forthcoming loss of my “family.” Basically, I was a whole different person than I am today.

Jules and I were both saying the other day it’s a little discomfiting to read old posts and see how things were. I guess that’s a big benefit of this blog, the ability to re-read our thoughts and feelings and see them from a whole new perspective. I wish we’d started this blog earlier so I could see where my mind was a year ago.

Sawyer has been emailing me again today. Other than the occasionally email and that crazy phone call a couple weeks ago we haven’t had any contact. We haven’t even seen each other (other than g-rated passing in the store or on the road) in months and months. I think it was like August the last time we were together.

True to form he was back up to his old tricks and trying to get me to say I missed him or had feelings for him or whatever. It’s such a game with him. I kind of hate to look back and see how I let feelings develop for him. It goes without saying that I regret ever having an affair. I mean I know it happened for a reason and who knows if I would have left Duckie as soon as I did it if wasn’t for Sawyer but still. I sure never thought I’d be a person who had an affair, much less one with my next door neighbor.

Though I think some part of me always worried that I was capable of having an affair. I can remember my girlfriends going out and inviting me to join them from time to time. I’d always decline because I was afraid I’d get drunk and….well you read this blog, you know what tends to happen when Miranda gets drunk. At the time, I thought of myself as being responsible for protecting my marriage by never putting myself in a potential dangerous situation. And I’m sure there’s some truth to that but I wonder now if it was more about being unconsciously honest about what my marriage was really like. Maybe I’m just a romantic at heart but it seems like if my marriage was what a marriage is supposed to be, I would not even worry about ever crossing that line.

I doubt we have too many happily married readers - hell maybe we do but who knows, you guys have been mighty quiet in the comments lately! But I’m wondering of those who are married (happily or otherwise), do you avoid social situations with single adults like I did? For those of you brandishing the scarlet A like me, do you worry about your ability to ever be faithful again? I do sometimes.

I just wonder if it’s like a Pandora’s Box. Once you’ve lifted that lid does it plague you forever? I mean now that I’ve had an affair and concealed it (I hope) it’s like I have this weird background knowledge of how to get away with one. Does that make me more likely to have an affair in the future?

Miranda

4 comments:

  1. Don't worry girl, you shape your actions, not the other way around. The thing to keep in mind is that the cheating isn't the problem, it's the symptom of the real problem which was that you were unhappy in that relationship. When you find the right one (and not just a FWB) I don't think you will worry about losing control. LOL
    And yes, I do sometimes avoid activities with single people but not because I am protecting my marriage, I don't worry about that. I think other than being too tired from parenting my special brand o' kid, I mostly worry that I don't have interesting enough conversation to bring y'all! LMAO

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  2. I think people cheat for several reasons.
    1. They are bored.
    2. They are unhappy.
    3. Their needs are not being met.
    I mean some people, like me, just like sex and variety and aren't fans of monogamy...but in general I think if people are happy, satisfied, and not being ignored they won't cheat.
    -Jules

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  3. I do think you (not you personally!) are more likely to cheat again if the first time you did it there weren't any negative consequences, outside of the guilt in your own head.

    I cheated on The Ex several times and I don't think I would've done that if it wouldn't have been so easy to get away with it..I know that makes me sound lovely.

    Even now I catch myself 'fantasizing' about the fact that I've got such a good girl image going with the guys I date I could probably get away with murder and they'd never suspect it - I think this is a relatively normal thing to do though. If I actually murder someone well then we may have a problem lol.

    No worries Miranda - I think you can and will be faithful and monogamous when, like Jules says, your needs are being met and you're fully happy in a relationship. You've gone through a lot this last year, I wouldn't judge yourself too harshly...

    -Gwyn

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  4. Ok...so here it is, I cheated once. We were not married yet but def together, I have no clue why I did it. He found out, and he was ruined, dear god, it was awful....but he forgave and it has long been forgotten.....and I can honestly say, I will never do that again!
    As far a avoiding interacting with single girlfriends, I really only know 1-2, so not really an option.....and well I literally married my best friend, and i almost always have the most fun hanging with him....plus there is the whole "i don't like people" thing, i have and there are a shitload of people out in public....which is where single girls like to go...
    I completely agree with Gwyn, dont be so hard on yourself. I for one am very impressed with your resolve to not give into Sawyer...#1. He is extremely hot #2. It would be very easy to fall back into something familiar...

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