Mixed Messages Abound
I've had a very weird few days with boys. Yesterday started with Clark texting me and telling me he misses me and wants to see me. I told him no. I said that as long as some woman is coming to live in his house, I'm not interested in seeing him. Now I know this is really hypocritical of me, but c'mon. So, I stood firm and we left it at that (or so I thought).
Then I get home and Gavin is not here. He called me about 15 minutes later and said he'd gone to Maui to work until Wednesday. We talked about the night before. Sunday night I came into my room where he was sitting at the computer and doing drugs...drugs that are not ok to so when Russell is home. I flipped out on him, hard core. He apologized and I went to bed. During this phone call, he starts out apologetic and telling me I deserve more and then by the end of the call he's telling me that it's obvious I haven't had a real man around the house in years and next time that happens I should come in and get on my knees and start blowing him like he likes it. Granted I love for men to take that direction, but it's not fucking cool to be doing certain things in the house when Russell is home...not fucking cool. Totally hot though that he's taking control...I mean really hot.
Today, Clark starts in again with the IM and then texting for hours. He's trying to convince me that he cares about me and wants to see me and that he wants to continue seeing me after this girl moves here and then he said he'd always have feelings for me. WHY?? He's starting to wear me down again. I must stay strong. He's really hurt that Gavin lives here, but it's his own fault in a way for not stepping up. Although admittedly I probably would have still let Gavin move in and would have just kept it quiet, but I don't know...maybe not. It's funny (not haha) how much we've both hurt each other with our living arrangement choices, yet neither of us is willing to change that. It's very telling and clearly my sign from the universe. I wish he would just fade away and let me be. The girl comes November 17th, so I suspect things will fade some then for a while. I did some cyberstalking today and have seen a pic. She's the total opposite of me...all punk, tattooed up, pierced face, black hair. I don't identify with that at all, but apparently she's one of the weak minded people that can "serve" someone else and that's what he wants.
Tonight I got a call from Gavin telling me about his day. He trimmed like 35 coconut trees and surfed 30ft waves. He sounded really tired, but we talked for a while. He said he really misses me and can't wait to come home. I have to admit I really miss him too. I really do like him living here. I like his energy (when he's not being a whiny bitch) and I love the sex. It's one of those things though that I still don't see going anywhere because I think we'd kill each other in the end. I've thought a lot about camping with him Friday night though and how fun that was and how I would definitely miss him if he weren't a part of my life too.
I have to own it here...I think I'm sending out really mixed messages as well, because like the boys in my life I obviously don't know what I want either. I like how things are now, but I know the winds of change blow frequently.
-Jules
Then I get home and Gavin is not here. He called me about 15 minutes later and said he'd gone to Maui to work until Wednesday. We talked about the night before. Sunday night I came into my room where he was sitting at the computer and doing drugs...drugs that are not ok to so when Russell is home. I flipped out on him, hard core. He apologized and I went to bed. During this phone call, he starts out apologetic and telling me I deserve more and then by the end of the call he's telling me that it's obvious I haven't had a real man around the house in years and next time that happens I should come in and get on my knees and start blowing him like he likes it. Granted I love for men to take that direction, but it's not fucking cool to be doing certain things in the house when Russell is home...not fucking cool. Totally hot though that he's taking control...I mean really hot.
Today, Clark starts in again with the IM and then texting for hours. He's trying to convince me that he cares about me and wants to see me and that he wants to continue seeing me after this girl moves here and then he said he'd always have feelings for me. WHY?? He's starting to wear me down again. I must stay strong. He's really hurt that Gavin lives here, but it's his own fault in a way for not stepping up. Although admittedly I probably would have still let Gavin move in and would have just kept it quiet, but I don't know...maybe not. It's funny (not haha) how much we've both hurt each other with our living arrangement choices, yet neither of us is willing to change that. It's very telling and clearly my sign from the universe. I wish he would just fade away and let me be. The girl comes November 17th, so I suspect things will fade some then for a while. I did some cyberstalking today and have seen a pic. She's the total opposite of me...all punk, tattooed up, pierced face, black hair. I don't identify with that at all, but apparently she's one of the weak minded people that can "serve" someone else and that's what he wants.
Tonight I got a call from Gavin telling me about his day. He trimmed like 35 coconut trees and surfed 30ft waves. He sounded really tired, but we talked for a while. He said he really misses me and can't wait to come home. I have to admit I really miss him too. I really do like him living here. I like his energy (when he's not being a whiny bitch) and I love the sex. It's one of those things though that I still don't see going anywhere because I think we'd kill each other in the end. I've thought a lot about camping with him Friday night though and how fun that was and how I would definitely miss him if he weren't a part of my life too.
I have to own it here...I think I'm sending out really mixed messages as well, because like the boys in my life I obviously don't know what I want either. I like how things are now, but I know the winds of change blow frequently.
-Jules
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