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Monday, September 26, 2011

What's Your Number?

So I’ve been having a shit ton of anxiety related dreams lately.  I’m sure all due to the changes in my job.  But I’ve also had quite a few that were about me being with guys and them asking me what I want and I can never answer in the dream.

The most recently one involved SoCo and me at a Mexican resort of all places.  We were having weird freaky sex like we used (remember he liked me to bite his penis) to all over this resort, in front of people in the lobby, on the beach, in the bed, on a lounge chair by the pool, and then he got mad at me and said something to the effect of I was there in body but not spirit.  WTF?  I remember he asked me what exactly I wanted from him and I stood there trying to answer and I literally could not move my mouth.  So I picked up my beer and walked butt naked into the ocean presumably never to be heard from again.

Yeah, crazy dream.  Clearly, Miranda’s in the midst of a mindfuck to borrow Jules’ terminology.  I’ve got anxiety over changing jobs and Gwyn being gone but also I’m trying to figure out what I want now in my personal life.  Do I need to just be single and have nothing to do with boys for a while?  Should I throw myself back into the dating pool with gusto (really my online dating antics of late have been halfhearted at best)? Do I want to try to date date someone or just revert to a modified version of last summer’s sluttery?

There’s a very big piece of me that wants to get back in a relationship with someone.  Clearly, after 20 or so years of dating I’m finally figuring out that Miranda’s that girl – you know the one who would go from relationship to relationship.  Even last summer’s sluttery would have ground to a quick halt had one of the top ranked guys pulled a BF card out of his hat.  But I do have some standards.  It’s not as if I’m going to just settle for a trip to the boyfriend/girlfriend rainbow wonderland for just anyone.

On the other hand, there’s a big piece of me that feels like I need to exorcise the Coach demons and just go out and be wild and have fun with the girls and do my best to not end up falling in bed with every guy that comes along.  And we all know exactly what Miranda is capable of doing and not doing lol.

The reason I don’t want to have sex with a bunch of random dudes aside from the obvious reasons, makes me sound totally crazy.  Yeah, shocker there folks.  Miranda’s a little loo loo.  I know I told this to Jules in Hawaii but I can’t remember if I told Gwyn but I have always had this idea that I wouldn’t be a “whore” (in a bad way) as long as I kept the number of guys I’d slept with less than my age.  HA! That makes me laugh to even write that.  Jules about keeled over when I told her that.

And let me be clear to say that this is only the standard for myself, not for everyone.  I believe every girl has her own inner whore setting.  Yours may be more than 10 or less than a 1000, that’s your right as a woman to decide.  So anyways, my rule of thumb has always been to keep it less than my age.  Well I’m going to do something very few women will do, maybe I’ll start a revolution, but I’m going to tell you my number. 

36 – thanks to the Ginger. 

I remember right before he was in me literally, I caught myself thinking oops there goes my limit.  At least I pushed over my limit and got an orgasm and a funny story – OHBOY – out of it.

I started the debauchery of last summer at 19 and with my wild and crazy antics; it quickly escalated to 35, which was Coach.  And the inner romantic dreamy girl part of me thought perfect – Coach could very well be the “one” and my limit will remain intact!  That was until he turned into a total douchebag skank idiot mother fucker (yes I’m aware I still have anger issues there). 

So obviously, it’s unrealistic to think that I won’t sleep with anyone new for the next nine or so months until my birthday.  Or is it?  Could I employ Gwyn’s time tested efforts for recycling and just keep bringing back old team members?  Could I go nun-ish and just not have sex – ahhahahahaha.  No way!  Are there members of my team who I could successfully maintain a FWB type relationship now that we’ve all literally been there and done that?  Hmmm, things to ponder on a Monday afternoon…

Miranda

1 comment:

  1. From someone who knows you well...

    1. You are not good at FWB situations so I'd cross that off the list. It's not your thing, even you admit you're a relationship girl. No point settling for something that won't really make you happy.

    2. I'd venture to say that no past team members are good options to recycle. It didn't work out with them for a reason and there's no point wasting your time going down that road again just for sex. May as well try out some new flavors if you just want to fulfill your sexual desires. It worked for me but mainly because I can handle FWB situations and they're even easier when it's an old FWB recycled. Not to mention most of your old team members liked you more than you liked them so it's sort of risky to initiate with any of them again, they'd get the wrong idea.

    3. There is nothing wrong with being a 'nun'. Our moms didn't tell us to 'wait for that special someone' for nothing. They know what they're talking about. For some people (aka Jules lol) having sex without emotions is simple, but those people are the exception. For you sex brings emotions and feelings and is it really worth giving your feelings to someone who doesn't deserve them? During my self imposed time as a nun I actually felt great. Sex with randoms lowers your self esteem because you know you don't really want that. Not having sex clears your head and reminds you that there is more to you than just your body, you have more to offer men than that.

    Just my thoughts on the matter...my other suggestion is to get OFFLINE and back out into the real world to meet some doctors or otherwise non-socially retarded guys. The Internet is good to get you back in the saddle but by now I think you're ready for real life men again :)

    -Gwyn

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