AHHHHHHHH! I near swooned and sat on my couch with my head in my hands as I texted Jules and Gwyn. I so freaking feel like a teenage girl waiting for her first real kiss. It’s hilarious, awesome, and awful all at the same time. Tuesday night he wants to see me before we leave for Hawaii. I swear if he doesn’t close the deal and kiss me I’m going to take matters into my own hands and drag his 6’6 face down to my level and show him a thing or two. The Ginger is going to be the end of me I swear.
Before the date began, I was scuttling around my apartment preparing for his arrival and I was struck with how unfair our dating “responsibilities” for lack of a better word are. Not being a guy, I imagine this is how a guy would get ready to entertain a girl at his house. Correct me if I’m wrong.
2 hours till arrival: Watch TV. Fart. Belch.
1.5 hours till arrival: Watch TV. Fart. Belch. Play Video Games.
1 hour till arrival: Eat. Watch TV. Fart. Belch. Fall Asleep.
30 minutes till arrival: Wake up. Scratch balls. Smell pits. Fall asleep again.
15 minutes till arrival: Wake up. More scratching. Throw on first shirt on the floor.
5 minutes till arrival: Push all crap on table, cabinets into drawer. Final round of farting and belching.
Arrival – Shuffle to door while rubbing sleep from their eyes.
2 hours till arrival: Begin planning wardrobe options. In a panic, look around house at what needs to be cleaned (this is of course assuming the girl hasn’t been cleaning for days before the arrival.
1.45 hours till arrival: Scrub kitchen/sweep/mop. Consider if it’s better to have TV or music on for arrival.
1.5 hours till arrival: Panic over time. Clean bathrooms, wipe down all tables, fluff pillow. Agonize about how dressed up or down you should be.
1.25 hours till arrival: Really panic over time. Vacuum, light candles, start rushing to get in shower. While in shower evaluate shaving needs; ponder over whether or not your bikini line should be touched up just in case. OMG if you think that are you slutily planning to sleep with him? Consider if you’re a whore or just being careful. Convince yourself it’s just being careful.
1 hour till arrival: Finish shower, decided from array of lotions which one will appeal to him most. Do I want to smell flowery? Do I want to smell natural? Totally freak over time. Run about in towel loading the dishwasher and consider doing a quick load of laundry.
45 minutes till arrival: Have meltdown over decision to wear a dress or shorts or jeans or a skirt. Try on a minimum of 5 outfits while doing makeup and pondering how much eye shadow/eyeliner is too much. Try not to sweat off the lotion you just applied. Begin hair strategy.
30 minutes till arrival: Manically dry and style hair. Begin thinking about jewelry. Blow out candles (you don’t want it to smell like actual candles. He should think you’re place always smells like freesia/cinnamon/baked goods/vanilla.) Have a meltdown because that one damn piece of hair won’t curl or straighten or hell just go where you want it to.
15 minutes till arrival: Move 60 miles an hour making sure place is spotless, chic, and homey all at the same time. Make final outfit decision. Debate on putting on shoes. Choose to go barefoot for a cute, relaxed effect. Leave three options of shoes out just in case you need them. Final mirror inspection.
10 minutes till arrival: Change outfit in last minute panic. Realize none of the previously selected shoes will work. Choose new shoes. Change jewelry. Final hair inspection. Spritz of perfume. Final sweep of home for any dust/dirt that may have been missed. Even brush cat. Cat is now pissed.
5 minutes till arrival: Debate changing outfit one more time. Convince self to stay dressed as to not mess up hair. Final panicked debate between TV and music. Go with music. Crap Ipod won’t come on. What’s wrong with Ipod! Oh, Ipod wasn’t turned on. Turn on music. Change music. Change music again.
3 minutes till arrival: Final appearance approval. Practice sitting in outfit. Imagine how you’ll open the door. Turn music up. Turn music down. Lights! Crap you haven’t considered lighting options. Frantically make up lighting plan.
1 minute till arrival: Take deep breaths. Wonder one last time about changing clothes but stay in outfit for fear of arrival during mid change. Change music again. Sit gingerly as to not mess up outfit.
Arrival – Race to door. Quietly! Peek out of peephole. It’s him. Take deep breath; don’t want to appear too eager. Tiptoe away from the door and walk back normally so he heard you coming. Deep breaths, flip hair, stand up straight, smile and open door.
Quite different isn’t it. And this is from a girl who can be date ready in under 30 minutes. Some girls need an hour or more to get physically ready!
Some days I’d really like to be a dude.