Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Monogamy X 2

I was laying in bed the other night pondering my current relationships with the team and then it hit me like a freaking ton of bricks. I'm essentially monogamous with these 2 men. Ok, technically I guess it's polyamory only Owen doesn't know about Gavin. At any rate, it's weird for me and it almost broke my brain and lead to several hours of insomnia.

I've been having an affair with Owen for almost 3 years. January will be 3 years. Outside of my marriage, this is hands down my longest sexual relationship and I've been sexually active for 22 years (another whammy in the acknowledgement of that length). Owen and I have had sex way more than Russell and I ever did in the actual 9 years of our marriage. (I don't count the last 1.5 years since we're technically separated.) As I said in the last post, I have a super short attention span and I lose interest quickly. Why haven't I lost interest in him? I mean it is the best sex of my life, but what exactly is going on here with that? I haven't a clue. All I know is that I have no plans of ceasing anytime soon and I still get butterflies every time I see him. I think it works for me because I know it's zero effort and I know he's not looking for a commitment from me, so there's no pressure.

Then we have Gavin...I've been seeing him for a year and a half. We've also had way more sex in that time than Russell and I ever did. I didn't realize at the time that I was doing this, but when I pitched the fit about the waitress, I essentially set myself up to only get to see Owen (fairly). My philosophy with Gavin until that time was that as long as he lived with his gf, he really had zero say in my life. I would fuck him and others and I would do so safely with the others, minus Owen who I know is clean. While I think I could still get away with this stance, it would be totally hypocritical of me to dictate that he only see me and the gf while I'm out fucking whoever I want. While there are a lot of things about Gavin that I like, there are also a lot of things that I don't with regards to him ever being more than a FWB and he's clearly not man enough to leave the gf. She's going to have to be the one to do that. (BTW, she didn't really break up with him the other day but she's still in CA doing god knows what.)

We also have the Chloe factor with Gavin. She hates him. I told her tonight that I may have him pick her up from school tomorrow and you would have thought I was telling her that a serial killer was coming. She pulled a face and pleaded for him not too (not in a scared way but in a I hate him way). She has no good reason other than he was initially really pushy with her. Now since he knows how she feels about him, he pretty much ignores her. He's polite and speaks and I force her to be polite, but there is a huge divide. I know the answer to fixing it would be for them to spend some fun quality time together b/c at the end of the day, he is my friend and I don't see him going anywhere anytime soon, but I also don't know that he could spend time with her without pushing her to do things she has no interest in doing and would it really benefit anyone other than me for them to spend that time together?

The long and short of this reflection is that as I've said, I'm not in a place to have a "normal" relationship. I'm happy seeing the 2 of them, but the longer it goes on I have to wonder if it will be harder to stop seeing them in the future. What kind of co-dependency am I creating here? I'm obviously totally addicted to sex with Owen. With Gavin, I like having someone around that I know I can count on and the sex is fun. I can justify it all day long, but I'm starting to wonder how "healthy" these relationships are for me. They meet my sexual needs on an epic level, but I suspect within the next year I'll want more out of a relationship as the dynamics in my household shift and I'm curious to see how things shift as this occurs. Another year is a long time though, will I be approaching year 4 with Owen and 2.5 with Gavin? I think a visit to a psychic is in order. I have questions.

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