Friday, May 13, 2011

Playing the Blame Game

Last night I was randomly thinking about Sawyer and what my relationship with him was really like.  I was thinking about him because last night was also the start of my summer bartending duties and it made me think about all the crazy stuff I was doing last summer.  Dating multiple guys at one time, being the mayor of whore-town, essentially having the time of my life.  And Sawyer was a big part of that.  At this point last year, I was still seeing him though things were beginning to slow down.

For newer readers who don’t want to go back and figure out who he is, Sawyer is the guy I had an affair with at the end of my marriage.  He was my next-door neighbor who was/is unhappily married but has no intentions of leaving his wife.  We got involved right after my dad died, took a whole lot of stupid chances, and our relationship got intense when he started mind fucking me talking about feelings.  I ended my marriage, moved out, and we continued to see each other for several months though he got jealous that I was dating.  Over time, I felt increasingly guilty for seeing him and I started the long process of ending the relationship.  As of today, I’m Sawyer sober for 9 months.  Go me!  HA!

So I was thinking about all the crazy ways he and I used to get time together and how exciting it all was.  I was also thinking about how the longer we were involved the guiltier I felt about it.  I talked with my counselor about it quite a bit both when it was going on and during this last stint when I saw her again after breaking up with Coach. 

What seems strange to me is that my guilt induced by thinking about Duckie or even Sawyer’s wife.  My guilt is more strongly tied to feeling as if I let myself down by crossing some base moral threshold I had for myself.  It’s like I broke one of my basic tenants for my own behavior.  I crossed some invisible line I’d drawn in the sand about the type of person I would allow myself to be.  Like I feel worse in a way for getting involved in someone's relationship than I do for cheating on my own relationship.

I used to worry a lot that I’d never be able to be faithful again since I’d crossed that line but I’m starting to feel differently about that.  I’m not saying I’ll never be tempted but I feel pretty confident that I’ll never cheat again.  It’s just not worth the burden of guilt I’ve dealt with thanks to Sawyer.  If my urge to cheat is that strong I’ll just break up with whoever I’m with before I do anything (let’s hope alcohol is not involved because y'all know Miranda gets a little slutty when she drinks).

So this brings me to a question for you readers.  When it comes to cheating, who takes the blame?  I know we’re all responsible for being faithful when we’re in monogamous relationships.  But what about when you’re single and the other person is involved/married?  Is it your responsibility to police their behavior? I know us Infidelity Chronicles girls have differing perspectives on this issue but I’d love to hear what the rest of you think!


1 comment:

  1. Owen and I decided it is most definitely not my place to police his behavior some time last year when I was also having guilty feelings. I agreed and have continued to have the most amazing, satisfying sex of my life and I could give a rat's ass that he's married. ;) Incidentally, I also feel absolutely no guilt over Gavin and his gf situation either. I absolve myself of the guilt by saying 10 Hail Marys...kidding. I absolve myself of the guilt because ultimately I think it's the person involved with someone's responsibility and if they weren't fucking me, they would be fucking someone else, guaranteed.