Saturday, April 2, 2011

Deconstructing Miranda

For someone who always feels relatively secure and sound of mind, Miranda has realized I have some deep seeded insecurity issues.  I think these issues come from a lot of different areas in my life and I think that in the right environment, they affect me way more than I ever could have imagined.

Yes Miranda is insecure.  I have issues just like all people.  I know, you’re all shocked. LOL. Here’s a quick and dirty list of my main insecurities.

Being Perceived As Young
I am the baby in my family. I was always the youngest of my friends.  I’ve always been one of the youngest staff wherever I’ve worked. Somewhere along the way I’ve begun to equate this “youngness” with being inferior.  I’ve been aware of this issue before, mostly in work issues, and it’s functioned as a crutch of sorts.  Anytime I have a disagreement or issue with an older person I always catch myself defaulting to thinking that everyone thinks I’m too young to know what I am talking about and maybe they are right because they are older than me. Don’t worry, I certainly know that’s not true in real life.  I think this issue has flared up particularly in situations with Coach’s friends because they are all 10-15 years older than me. So anytime I’ve been interacting with them I’m coming from this defensive position where I have to prove I’m not a baby and that I’m just as “worthy” as them. 

Lack of Experience in Relationships
Monday night during my extended naval gazing period I also realized that I actually have very little experience being in relationships.  I didn’t date a lot through high school and college and then I married Duckie right out of college.  Before Duckie, I only had one other long term relationship and that with a high school boyfriend who lasted about 9 months.  So it’s funny to think that I consider myself to have all this experience being in relationships but I really don’t.  I think my natural tendency to bluff my way through tricky situations (to cover up the fact that I feel young – re: the first insecurity issue) has actually built up some sort of inner insecurity about my lack of experience.  Which is dumb because who ever has the right to consider themselves an expert as relationships? The best we can do it just go along trying to be good to people around us and learn from our mistakes so we don’t repeat them in the future.

Sex & Love
All right, deep gulp here, for Miranda when I have sex outside of a relationship, I almost always have the secret hope that sex will lead to love.  Yesh, that is pitiful to admit but it’s true. It’s my deep dark secret. Back in the days of high school and college it was true and it’s still very true today. Doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate random sex for just what it is, but even though I know it’s unrealistic and dumb, I know there’s always a secret nugget in there hoping that somehow the sex will be amazing and it will make the guy want to be with me. Even if I don’t want to be with him.  WTF? I don’t know where this came from or why it’s in my head and I think it’s dumb. But it’s like a weed that has taken deep deep root in my psyche and I’ve never been able to eradicate it totally. 

I always feel mildly guilty after I sleep with someone outside of a relationship.  I think that’s obvious if you read between the lines in my old posts.  It’s not that I feel bad per se, but it’s almost a disappointment that my life didn’t turn into a romantic comedy where I got to be the spunky heroine who gets the guy.  With Coach though, this actually happened. We did already like each other before but the first night we were out together we did end up sleeping together and it lead to a relationship.  I think I have insecurity issues about this because it’s like it’s too good to be true, that I can’t believe it’s real because we did things so backwards of normal relationship.  Like I’m insecure because the thing I always wanted to happen actually has happened.  So backwards I know.

Divorce Wounds
Even though I’m the one who initiated the divorce, I think I have some deeper wounds that I imagined I’d have. There are definitely guilty feelings inside me relating to being the one to end it, seeing my divorce as a failure of sorts, knowing the drama I created for my family in the midst of dealing with my dad’s suicide, the fact that I’d have an affair in the first place, and internal worry about what damage I’ve done to my kids.  It’s a heck of a lot to deal with and let go of.  Some of it I talked about with a therapist when Duckie and I were breaking up but I’ve fallen back into routine and buried a lot of it. Not healthy for me.  As a result, I’m going back to a therapist next week to start some more sessions to process a lot of this out of my system.

Blah, blah, blah. I’m tried about talking about myself.  While all this self reflection has been intense, it has been rewarding in a weird way.  Like short girl said in her comment on my last post, covering up or ignoring your issues doesn’t help.  “When you finally discover what's really eating at you, then you need to acknowledge it, and accept it. Tell your pain that you know it is there, and that you are there to help it. Once you can deal with the pain, and accept that it is there, then you can let go and learn to move past it.” 

Wise words and that’s exactly what I’m doing here. Again, understand I’m not exonerating Coach.  But I can only control myself.  I can’t force him to change and I don’t want to be responsible for that.  He has to do that on his own and only time will tell if he can/does.  Right now I want to fix myself and acknowledge my own flaws so I can move forward.  And though I feel great love from my girls and from the readers here, someone has to hold me accountable for my role in this situation with Coach.  And that someone needs to be me.


1 comment:

  1. I am so glad you are getting to a better place. Analyzing oneself can be painful at times, but sometimes when you get to the root of some issues, you actually have to laugh because when you look at them logically, they seem silly, don't they? Just knowing they are there helps you avoid falling into that cycle (what we call "habit energy") again and again. Realise that your true self is underneath all that emotional baggage, ready to be tapped into, but is never altered by it.
    I definitely have problems with #1, except I also have realised lately that I automatically assume I am older than people who are my age. Maybe I just feel old LOL But one day you will wish you felt young so enjoy the GOOD parts of that feeling, like you have so much more time to get stuff accomplished in your life. :)
    #2 was kind of an issue for me too, since I had one boyfriend and I married him (and then divorced him). My hubby now and I have a great relationship because I have more balance within myself and I am practicing mindfulness in my interaction with him. Love relationships essentially take the same formula as any relationship- lots of deep listening and loving speech. I don't think experience necessarily helps, so I wouldn't worry about that too much.
    #3... personally (no offence Jules!) I think sex was meant to be a part of love. To think that love will follow it is in my opinion not an un-noble thought, but perhaps it does work better the other way around if love's what you are ultimately looking for. (But maybe makes for a less interesting website!)
    #4 Ugh, I know. I had alot of guilt about my divorce even though I didn't physically cheat on my ex. I have worked through alot of it though and now I know I had to break free from the toxicity of that relationship and doing so ultimately benefited both of us. If you haven't done so, I would say you should read "Eat Pray Love" because I think she very deftly handles the same issues as you go through the book. Plus it is a fabulous read (don't just rent the movie). :)