Wednesday, June 29, 2011

The Skies are Clearing

It’s no surprise Miranda’s been a little lackluster lately. I’ve been in a funk for a month or so now. Some days are worse than others though lately I’ve felt it finally lightening up a good bit. 

I’ve been trying to think about why I’ve been so blue.  I know work is unfulfilling and annoying, I’m having early sadness about Gwyn’s departure, and the wear and tear of a six month long distance relationship have all been issues. I also know Father’s Day played a part of it.  The first few days after that were particularly hard and it took pretty much everything I had in me to keep up a relatively sane and un-miserable front for the kids last week. Honestly it was so bad and unusual for the way I normally feel that more than once I’ve Googled signs of depression and considered calling my counselor.

I’ve opened up quite a bit to Coach about this stuff and he’s taken more than his fair share of the brunt of my “grumpiness” as of late and he’s taken it in stride knowing I was working out this funkiness. 

Last weekend he came home unexpectedly and it was a good surprise. He always comes straight here on Fridays when he comes home. And he did as usual and we had sweet kisses and all the gooey-eyed stuff that happens when we’ve been apart for a week.  We got in a little personal play time and then he needed to head to his hotel (he doesn’t stay nights with me when I have the kids).  We were texting a little right before we both went to sleep and in my lingering depression I made a statement that was seemingly innocent but as soon as I typed it, it opened my eyes to a lot of what’s been going on.  The statement was

I hate being the one left behind.

Clearly it applies to my Dad situation.  I (and my whole family) got left behind with no choice when he committed suicide. And even though we had a great relationship, when someone suddenly disappears it leave so much unfinished business.  I think I’m always going to feel left behind by him.

With Gwyn counting down the days to Hawaii I know it’s triggering my “left behind” syndrome as I’ve taken to calling it in my head. I have a lot of acquaintances but very few close friends. I’ve always been that way.  And over the last two years Gwyn couldn’t help but become one of my best friends by the sheer fact that we work together and pretty much talk/text/instant message each other incessantly lol.  Knowing that I’m literally going to be left behind by her transition to a Polynesian paradise is part my issue. (It has also made me realize that I tend to hold my emotional self apart in a lot of my “friendships” and I tend to be the one to “leave” the friendship first. Something to be examined another time.)

Also being in a long distance relationship with Coach triggers those feelings.  I’m the one who stays here while he goes to DC to work. He has this whole other life up there that I’m not a part of other than hearing about it from him.  And while we’ve been going through the court stuff with his ex, I feel left behind here in some ways because we haven’t been able to fully integrate our lives kids wise.  Thankfully that aspect should be coming to an end next month.

I also think in some way I went through so much change so quickly in the last 18 months or so between my dad dying, my affair with Sawyer, ending my marriage, and my reintroduction to the dating world that I’ve almost forgotten what it was like to just live normal life.  Like that time period was so overwhelming that having this relative period of calm has made me feel stuck in a sense.

As I tend to do, once I made that statement and acknowledged my feelings I started to feel like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.  No work is not any different but I did make the decision that if this last job interview I went on didn’t amount to anything I was going to take that as my sign to get my butt back in school and start working on my nursing degree. And no (thank heavens or I’d have to kick her butt) Gwyn hasn’t changed her plan to move to Hawaii but I know thanks to technology our relationship will stay just as strong as it is now. Hell I know you can sustain a relationship that way thanks to Jules. And clearly Coach isn’t moving back home just yet but I know it will change as soon as it can.  But somehow acknowledging that I was feeling left behind made those feelings much less intense and it gave me a sense of direction to regain control of my life.

I’m much pleased to report that the everlasting gloom and doom seems to have almost fully lifted over the last couple of days.  And this weekend I’m finally going to DC to spend a long weekend with Coach in which we already have tons of fun, romantic, and sexy plans made (you better believe I’m taking all my new toys with me). 


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