Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Lingering Questions

Recently both Jules and one of our favorite bloggers – Ethan from Confessions of a Bastard – questioned if I was glad I was not going to have to see Sawyer anymore.  Let me assure you dear readers that I am.

I don’t deny that there’s still a wickedly weird attraction there but I truly want nothing more to do with him.  Even if he left his wife, I still wouldn’t want to be with him because I know I’d never, ever trust him to be faithful.  He’s definitely one of those out of sight out of mine situations.  When I lived next door to him, it ramped up the attraction and intensity to unbelievable heights.  As soon as I moved out, it started filtering down and eventually I got to the point where I didn’t even think about him (especially when I was dating like 10 guys at once lol).

I will always be "grateful" for him shocking me out of my life of inertia and reawakening the me that was carefully tucked away inside.    For making me take a risk and start my life over anew but he was never part of the long term vision I had.  Sure, in the depths of the relationship I imagined what it would be like if he left his wife and we tried to make things work but I knew even then that it wouldn't work.  Sawyer, for all his hotness, is a dog deep down. I wasn't the first person he cheated with and I damn sure won't be the last. And there's not way I could be with someone who I had to worry about if they were being faithful or not.  

Also in some weird way I feel like he brings out the worst in me.  Like he's the one who got me to cross my moral threshold and cheat on my marriage.  He's the one who had me skipping out on work to have sex, meeting up to have sex in his truck (in broad daylight) in a parking lot, he had me lying what felt like nonstop to cover up our relationship.  So I really don't want someone who brings out that kind of stuff in my life long term.

Lately I’ve just had the misfortune of running into him a bit, which made me start thinking about him.  I do have to day that I am so relieved that his kids ended up not going to the same camp as Leo and Ladybug.  Seeing him every day would make it a very slippery slope to avoid falling down.   

Ethan also said in passing that he had wondered how Coach had ended up on the top of my heap of suitors from last year and that’s a good question.  I’ve been trying to think about how to explain that and I’m not sure that I can.  Part of it I’m sure is just me being ready and open to a relationship at the same time as him but there’s also an undeniable chemistry and connection there.  Something intangible and hard to describe.  It’s just like we click and everything seems better when he’s around.  I mean of course I can tell you that I love his body, the way he treats me, and of course, the sex is awesome.  I can tell you we have similar personalities and we like a lot of the same things but are also different enough that we can push each other outside our comfort zones. 

Ultimately, I can’t really explain it.  It’s just chemistry and some elemental connection.   


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