OMG I'm Having a Thrisis

Amidst our boy and sex talk, a reoccurring theme has appeared here on Infidelity Chronicles.  We’re all relatively well established, thriving adult women in various stages of life; doing fine professionally and personally; handing our business and taking care of ourselves despite whatever bumps the road may have had for us.  And yet each and every one of us are over it.  We’re not satisfied with our lives.  We’re tired of working.  We’re tired of living by someone else’s rules.  Basically, we’re all having a thrisis.

Thrisis – a 30 something life crisis

There have been tons of articles written about this in the last few years.  It’s not your quarter life crisis where you’re fresh out of school and trying to figure out how to be an adult.  It’s not your mid-life crisis when you’re in your mid-40s and think the best years of your life are behind you.  A thrisis is about looking forward and thinking, “I don't want the next 30 years to look like this."

I think for me my thrisis was set off by my dad dying.  It certainly rocked my world and really changed the way I saw everything from my marriage to my relationship with my mom to my career.  Going to Hawaii to see Jules last summer definitely set it off even further.  And I think I was holding it in check pretty well until I had the realization yesterday as I picked up Gwyn for work that I will literally be helping one of my best friends move 5000 miles away to go live with one of my other best friends and that’s going to leave a big void in my life.  (Coach better hurry up and move the hell back here quickly after Gwyn leaves lol.)

Since I came back from Hawaii the first time, I’ve spent many a nights dreaming about how I could pick up my life and move there.  The reality is that I can’t, at least not right now.  Well I can but I’m not ready emotionally to do that.  I can remember sitting in the airport on the way home crying and thinking could I give up my kids to stay in Hawaii.  Could I survive (guilt wise) by just having them in the summer there?  I obviously decided I can’t which is why I’m here, trapped, watching Gwyn live out my Hawaii dream.

Sometimes I think I could survive the guilt of moving away from my kids.  (Everyone’s answer is always to take the kids with me but I couldn’t take them away from Duckie and I don’t think he’d let me anyways.)  I can imagine a life there in Hawaii with Jules and Gwyn that is very fulfilling.  But I can’t imagine telling people I gave up my kids to move to Hawaii.  I mean if I knew someone who did that I’d think they were a pretty shitty mom.  And then even if I could deal with the guilt and get over the social pressure, I think of all the stuff I’d miss out on and what kind of damage would I do to my kids to pick up and leave them like that. 

So my backup plan has always been to wait till the kids are old enough to decide where they want to live but I think more realistically it’s when the kids are in high school/college.  Which feels like a long fucking time away.

And sometimes it scares me to think of putting off my Hawaii dream because I’ll be that much more settled here.  Like what if I get married and the guy doesn’t want to go? What if my mom is sick or ill?  What if I end up right back with a big mortgage and a job sucking the life out of me bit by bit?  There’s really no easy answer. But thrisis or no thrisis, I’m not giving up my Hawaii dream.

Miranda