Tough Love

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While yesterday afternoon was the highlight of my freaking sex life, yesterday evening was really weird. I am hesitant to blog about this too much, because Russell slipped and said something one day that made me paranoid that he’s onto the blog. He knows Clark’s real name but he called him “Clark” one day in conversation. Now it could have been a slip because they are very similar, but what kind of coincidence is that?? Russell is obviously not on Team Gavin and I don’t want to add anything to fuel the fire. He tolerates Gavin because I like him and Chloe likes him, but that’s it.
Anyway, the storm has passed it seems from our being busted Monday night. Gavin came over last night while Russell was working and as he was leaving the first time, he said “Ok, love you…” on the way out. My emotionally gimpy self laughed and said “Mmmm hmm” in response. I was totally freaking out.  Then he came back later…sadly.  I wish that had been the end of the night.
When he came back, he made me super mad and I threw him out. It was time for some serious tough love and I dished it out. I love Gavin. I’ll admit it, but I’m not in love with him. Those are two very different things. I love him like I love all of my friends and I love having sex with him, but I do not fantasize about spending my life with him or anything. He’s a fun, good time guy but he’s got too much baggage for me to be in love with him.  I’m a realist and I also don’t want to settle and he’s still got the whole gf thing going on too. It’s just not the time.
I hated throwing him out. It really hurt me to do it, but it needed to happen. I actually dreamed about us fighting last night, so it’s clearly on my brain. Oddly enough, I have some abandonment issues and I’m always afraid when I fight with someone that it will be it. This doesn’t stop me from being the confrontational bitch that I am, but I’m just saying this other goes through my head too. He called me today around lunchtime to apologize for last night.  I let it go to voicemail. I’ll call him back after work today but I decided to let him sweat it out a little.
In other news, Penn really wanted to me go out to his campsite last night and after I figured out Russell was going out after work and I texted him this, he quit responding…so I’m assuming he’s pissed at me.  I hope he gets over it because he’s cute and fun, but ultimately whatever.  I guess I’m the flaky one now.
-Jules

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