Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Condoms and Carry Ons

So far 2011 has been a pretty shitty year for Gwyn.

I spent the last day of 2010 at the hospital with a close friend while her baby was in intensive care.

On January 1, The Ex came over and told me that he recently had a baby with another girl (will post on that later but right now I'm trying to pretend it never happened).

On January 3, Miranda and I's first day back to work since before Christmas, we were called to a meeting where we were told our department is merging with another one effective Feb 1 and that they don't "anticipate" eliminating any postions.

On January 4 (today), I'm in full freak out mode as my friend's baby is undergoing open heart surgery  for the third time - for those of you who pray she sure could use your prayers right now.

Needless to say, I'm a little on edge for what the rest of 2011 has in store. But, I guess it can only get better from here - knock on wood.

Luckily, I have had some good moments mixed in with all the craziness and stress. This past Saturday night, after I recovered from my breakdown over hearing The Ex's baby news, Miranda took me out to a country bar in her town (the same place where she spent New Year's Eve with her new BOYFRIEND!) and promised she was going to show me a good time and lift my spirits - boy did she ever!

I was dressed in my magic boots - stiletto, knee high black suede boots with hot pink soles on the bottom. No matter the occasion these boots have some sort of power over men. I wore them to work one day and thought my male boss may have a heart attack when he saw me and also had a co worker call me from another building to tell me she witnessed the landscaping guys googling over me as I walked into my office and that she thought they were all going to follow me inside lol. These boots are truly magical - painful as hell, but magical. I combined them with a cute, short dress that got even shorter as the night wore on. Needless to say, I was slightly over dressed for the country bar but it certainly worked to our advantage.

Miranda pimped me out like a whore all night long. I was her bait and I must say it was a fun job. We strategically moved around the bar targeting men who had been checking me out and then almost effortlessly getting them to buy us alcohol - if the boots weren't enough Miranda also gave them my sob story about The Ex telling them "Look how sad she is" and then I would give my best sad face. It worked like a charm. In between all my whoring, I found plenty of time to give sexy eyes to the door guy all night as he was one of the few men under the age of 40 not wearing either Wranglers, a cowboy hat or a mullet.

We had our fun at the bar and headed back to Miranda's place about 2:30am. We were both still drunk and had plenty of energy. On the way back to Miranda's I decided to send Popeye a text, with the time change it was about 9:30pm his time. He said he was in bed (after all he had to wake up at 4am for Obama!) and that he'd send me a dirty pic the next day because he was sunburnt and too tired to do it then. Boy did he change his tune.

Once we got back to Miranda's I had a brilliant idea - or maybe it was the 5 Soco and lime shots that had the brilliant idea, either way. I had been doing a little flirting via text with Popeye and at some point he asked me for some pics. Now here's where my idea comes into play - Leo's bedroom has full-length mirrored closet doors - magic, mirrored closet doors. Something about the angle of the mirror makes your reflection look much taller and much slimmer. I decided that I would use the magic mirror in combination with the magic boots to do a sexy photoshoot for Popeye. I took a few pics and sent them to him, one by one, starting with a very innocent shot of just my face. In all of them I was in various stages of undress, but always wearing the magic boots. I must say I even impressed myself. After the second one he sent me a shirtless shot (face included). Guess my ass motivated him to get out of bed and get over his sunburned face. After a couple more pics and a lot of dirty talk (by him) he sent me a penis picture - I was so scared I made  Miranda look at it first. Her comment, "Oh my God it looks like a dildo. It's so straight and smooth. And it's veiny." I asked her if was big and she said yes so I took a look for myself. Well folks, it's a pretty penis what can I say. A pretty big penis at that.

A side note, and particularly funny part of this photoshoot, is that my naughty poses are juxtaposed with Leo's racecar bedspread, bean bag, and various toys lying around in the background. A detail that didn't go unnoticed by Popeye lol.

We proceeded to sext until 5am my time, 12am his time - so much for going to bed early to be well rested to protect the President (he was working security detail and had to report to work at 4am that morning). At one point I even said I was going to let him rest because I didn't want the fate of the country resting on my shoulders - he basically said he didn't care and that he wanted to keep sexting, Obama or no Obama. I told you those boots are magic...they even trump the damn President. Without getting too detailed, I will say that Popeye is a bad boy. He said some very hot and very perverted things via text and let me know that my pictures had been VERY pleasureable to him. I was so worked up by all of it that Miranda and I were literally jumping up and down on the bed (I even rolled on to the floor a few times) giggling like two schoolgirls. I haven't been in lust like this for awhile - if I could've gone to Hawaii that night I would have. Like no questions asked hop on a plane and be gone in an hour fast. It was a much needed high point in my otherwise depressing start to 2011. It was so fun in fact, that Miranda decided to do her own photo shoot for her new man. I'll let her fill you in on those details....

Better make sure I leave room for a box of condoms in my carry on. Because I don't know about you but I'm not about to pass up this fine piece of work (tattoo-blurring courtesy of Miranda).....



  1. Notice the bulge lol


  2. HAHA - I've seen inside the bulge and this size queen is impressed! - Jules

  3. My thoughts on Gwyn's first day of 2011. I wanted to punch the ex in the face. I was thrilled to pimp Gwyn out the way I did. I wish we'd videotaped ourselves squealing like school girls over the sexting with Popeye. It still makes me laugh the way we were acting.