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Monday, January 9, 2012

Sunday Pondering

It's been an intense week with Damien that has finally calmed down. I did something kind of bad to calm it down though. I manipulated him, bless his heart (and this was after a total rant about how I've manipulated and basically whipped Russell into shape for the last 10 years and how he would never let me do that to him). He sent me this crazy long email about us and why he thinks we would work despite all of my objections. I've told him before that I am not into him beyond friends, but he doesn't seem to hear me. He claims to love me. I think he's obsessed with the challenge of me. Anyway, I listened to him RANT all week about my going back to Owen and finally I lied. I told him that I'll work on ending things with him (I'm not) and that clearly I have feelings for him (Damien) because our worlds keep colliding, but I don't know how to reconcile it all. I know, I'm a bad, bad woman and this might bite me in the ass.

This has secured me more workouts with him, time to hang out with him without pressure (which I do really enjoy when he's not being a nut job), and doesn't totally hurt him. Now the problem with this, of course, is that I set up false expectations of feelings. What I didn't say though was what kind of feelings I have...which are currently nothing beyond friends and even that he almost pushed away this week with his psychotic behavior over Owen. Another thing going for me is that the gf's mother just died and by the way, I finally saw the gf and holy shit is she old! She's like a little old grandma and was wearing a muumuu. It was bad, ya'll. I did tell him that he's being an ass having all these conversations about me, with me in front of her. Anyway, I know he'll wait a while to end things with her because of this, so the immediate pressure is off me right now.

He has made me think a lot about my relationship with Owen, as I am apt to do when people challenge me on it. Here's the deal...I love fucking him. I don't want him to leave his wife and I don't want to be in a relationship with anyone right now (certainly not him b/c I'd never trust him), so it still works for me. When it doesn't work for me (like the Gavin situation), I'll end it. I was pondering my life choices the other day as a result of all of this and thought that I'd still rather be the mistress, the one he fantasizes about and comes to for sex, than the wife at home being deceived and lied to on a regular basis. If you're a wife, I'm sorry...I'm not trying to make you question your relationship, but I have learned over the past many years that an amazing amount of married and attached men are fucking around. I'd rather be the one they are fucking around with than on. That's probably some crazy Jules logic, but there it is.
-Jules

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