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Friday, January 20, 2012

Emotion Overload

It's been a hell of a week...
I knew Gavin was supposed to move on Monday and apparently so did my subconscious b/c I've been dreaming about him all week and I never dream about people I know in real life. That has weighed heavily on me and sleep has been at a minimal. I had not returned his call from over a week or two ago b/c I knew if he was still here it wasn't emotionally safe for me to call him.

I saw Owen on Tuesday for amazing, hot, omg sex. He's been helping me research some stuff for a new hobby Gwyn and I have. It's nice of  him, but honestly it's outside of our realm and I just asked two questions and now it's turned into a thing. I don't want a thing...I just wanted an answer about power tools since I married a gay man and I've quit speaking to my Dad.

Wednesday and Thursday I attended a training about alcoholism, suicide, and cyber bullying. In the midst of this, my Dad starts texting me. I finally broke my silence and railed him about his addictions and his need to get help. He thinks I'm siding with my Mom and that's why I'm not speaking to him. It's NOT that at all...I'm not speaking to him b/c he's a fucking addict and it pisses me off that he's blowing his second chance at life and I'm still mad about Thanksgiving. I told him as much and he excused and denied everything. He finally told me that he'd obviously been raised better than I was...um, dumbass...you raised me. My brother and I got a good laugh over that one.  It was super stressful though.

In class last night, we did expressive art therapy. I liked one of the exercises and one of them I did not. When I told the facilitator why I didn't like the movement one, he totally called me out on having experienced my own trauma in life regarding my personal space. He was right on, but I wasn't expecting such open honest feedback. When I was 10, my stepfather attempted to sexually abuse me. He never got past rubbing me, but it was still traumatic.  I got up and told everyone that would listen. Nothing happened to him b/c my parents (by that I mean my Dad and my stepmom b/c my mom is a cunt) thought the trauma of court and testifying would be too much for me...they were wrong btw. When I was 15, he tried again and I beat the shit of him in a hotel room while my coked up mother was passed out in a bed beside us. So yeah, I have personal space issues...I hadn't expected to deal with that coming up this week though.

Then today Gwyn texts me and tells me that she bought a dresser and that Gavin can have his back. I called him to tell him that he could finally come get his stuff. I knew he was supposed to leave on Monday, but I had no idea if he gone or not. He has left....he's in San Diego it seems. I assumed he would move to LA where the gf is or home to NJ, but he didn't. He said he moved there b/c there are a lot of tracks for his son to race on and he has work there. He said he has no hard feelings towards me and wants to talk more...I don't. I can't. I loved him despite the fact that he was horribly flawed and totally wrong for me. We had this ridiculously normal conversation about the move and what I'm doing right now and his commentary on the supermarket he was in and then we hung up and I totally sat in my car and cried. I think it was an emotional outpouring of the week's events and some final closure on my relationship with him. I say that, but I don't know if it's actual closure. I know that his son's mom will never let him move with him, so as he said he expects to be back in HI a lot. I hope not, he's so toxic for me. Ugggg...
-Jules

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