Friday, January 6, 2012

My First Time

Doing TMI this week, I was struck by how weird it was that I only slept with two guys last year – Coach and the Giant Ginger. I mean it’s not weird, but it’s damn sure different from the year before when I was enacting the 24 hours rule between guys. Crazy how things change. As of today, it’s been 122 days since I had sex. OH BOY! In fact, I think this might be the longest I’ve ever gone without having sex since I started having sex. Well almost, it was 9 months between the first time and second time I had sex but that doesn’t count because I didn’t know how good sex could be back then!

My first time is a funny story that makes me laugh. I was dating this guy, Jack, and I felt like I was the last virgin ever (note I was just 16) because almost all my friends were having sex – all the time – it seemed like. So Jack and I had been dating a couple months and had done the dry humping and hell I’d even accidentally got Jack off (haha I’m a child) a couple times just rubbing on him in the back of my car after I’d pick him up from work lol. So I got brave and strolled into the lingerie store at the mall where I worked and bought what I thought was a sexy green nightie with matching party panties and smuggled them into my room at home.

My parents were going on a day trip that weekend and I knew the house would be empty and I started my very first sneaky plotting of my life. My parents told me we weren’t allowed to be at the house together alone and I promised we wouldn’t be. That Saturday the boyfriend and I had planned to spend the day together and I went to pick him up (he didn’t have a car yet) and when we were in the car I said something smashingly convincingly to the tune of, “Oh dear. I seem to have forgotten something at my house. Mind if we go by there?” His virgin self believed me, or else he was just hoping to get me close to a bed, and we headed back to my parents’ house.

When we got there, we went inside and I told Jack to sit in the living room and that I’d be right back. I raced down the hall to my room and donned my gay apparel and I remember standing in front of the mirror thinking, “OMG I’m really gonna do it! I wonder if anyone will be able to tell afterwards.” I put on the smooth tunes of a oh so classy mix tape of what surely included Wilson Phillips, Poison, the Jeff Healey Band, and lord knows what else, and sat down on the bed in my most seductive manner (which probably really looked like OMG I’m gonna pee myself I’m so nervous). I also very responsibly took out the one condom I owned, placed it on the bed, and then called Jack’s name.

I remember sitting there in blind panic as I heard his footsteps coming down the hall. In slow motion I saw the door knob start turning. My heart raced and I felt like throwing up. The door started to swing open. All my fairy tale hopes and dreams about sex took flight, and Jack walked in the room. Our eyes met and it was a cartoon character moment where I would lay good money down on the fact that Jack’s eyes bugged out of his head, his jaw dropped, and “aoogha” horns went off around him. Not because I was so smoking hot but probably because he had 1 – never been that close to a nearly naked girl before and 2 – it took all of 2 seconds for him to realize he was finally going to give up his v card.

Seconds later he and I were on my twin bed with my pretty peach bedspread over us and serious grinding was going on. Approximately two minutes later he asked if I was “ready” and me having no clue what “ready” really meant agreed. Five minutes of fumbling later he managed to finally get the condom on and he was ready to go. The next 3.5 minutes consisted of him doing a lot of grunting, me looking over my shoulder at the clock thinking “I can’t believe I’m really having sex,” and then Jack making manly noises and sweating on me as he finished.

He collapsed and rolled off me. I remember lying there thinking, “Ouch,” “Oh shit,” and “That’s what everyone’s so excited about?” Jack was of course quite proud of himself and after a few minutes asked if I wanted to do it again. I declined feigning soreness when really I just couldn’t stand the thought of doing it again because it so lacked everything I’d built it up to be. Guess that’s what I get for doing it with another virgin. Though come to think of it I took another guy’s virginity in college and that was some of the best sex I’ve ever had so many Jack was just really really bad – HA!

Jack and I only dated a few more weeks and we never had the opportunity to do it outside of my car which I wasn’t kosher to doing back then. After we broke up, it was nine months before I decided to have sex again with my next boyfriend. It’s been all downhill so to speak since then as I entered the sexual Olympics full fledged.

122 days is a long time for a randy girl like Miranda. Given that length of time, I’m even more amazed I didn’t cave this weekend when I had some prime chances to with the Repo Man and the Landscaper. I’ll be honest, my hormones are getting the best of me and my pledge to Patti Stanger for “no sex till monogamy” is getting shaky. What I need is a challenge! Miranda loves a good challenge. Maybe we should start some kind of bet on how long I can go? Anyone want to place a bet? Come on y’all gotta have my back here!


PS - I hope this starts a trend and everyone writes about their first time!  Those would be awesome stories to read!

1 comment:

  1. LMAO, my first time was soooooo strange and weird! I never, ever want to relive that tale.