Dating After 40: Do Any of Us Really Know What We Are Doing?

I forgot to update that I made up with the guy from the crazy post. I decided that he's a good person to know up here and ultimately you should keep your friends close, but your enemies closer. Plus even though he totally came off WAY over the top and psychotic about it, his general sentiment was true. I know I'm playing with fire, I just don't care. So, I introduced him to Russell last weekend b/c again, I think he's ok to have as a friend. I am not now nor will I ever be sleeping with him, but he's definitely in hot pursuit of it. I keep telling him to back off it, but he seems to enjoy the challenge of being told "No"...something I doubt happens to him often. Last Saturday, Russell and I took Chloe and a friend of hers to the beach. Damien joined us there and we all hung out. It was fun and the next day Damien actually called me to see if Russell wanted to go surfing with him. They went out and had a great time, while I happily sat on the beach. Here ...

I realized the other day that I never really finished the rest of the beginning story in relation to how my infidelity began. One day in August of 2007, I stumbled onto an Internet site for swingers. By stumbled, I mean I Googled it and then clicked on it. I created a profile initially for Russell and I as a couple, but then I was too afraid to talk to him about it. I knew he’d be into it, but I also knew that we were having such huge sex issues that it might push him further away (if that was possible). Adam was one of the first people to respond to my profile and we chatted some and met up at the end of August for what I have often referred to as my sexual reawakening. I was as nervous as a whore in church the day we met. I mean, panic attack kind of nervous, but he was kind and patient and horny enough to walk me through it and calm me down. We had great sex that day and this continued for about 4 or 5 months…then I found him posting ads on Craig’s List. I got super pissed and respo...

Oh my god, it's been like forever since I've dated. I went on one right after I got back from NC and it was nice, but not the same as this. I mean, I've had sex with several (read more than I should have...whatever) men over the past few years, but I haven't dated them. I met this CUTE guy on www.plentyoffish.com and we met out for drinks last night at a local bar in Haleiwa. We had a round and talking with him is pretty easy. For one, he loves to talk and loves to talk about himself. Secondly, I can pretty much talk to a brick wall. When the waiter came, we ordered another round and then the band started to set up. First dates in bars with bands is not ideal, so we decided to go buy a bottle of wine and sit on the beach with it. We headed to my favorite beach (You guys remember the paradise post? It's THAT beach). We sat there and drank the whole bottle of wine before he ever made a move to touch me...at all. It was kind of weird. I thought that he might just not ...

So as Jules has been having her own personal man drama, so have I. Both of the husband and neighbor varieties. First, last night was particularly awful. Duckie came home and I could tell he was going to explode. It was just a matter of when and where. The last few days had been way too peaceful and he was probably due for a revolt anyways. Right after the kids went to bed he unleashed his special brand of holy hell on me. Yelling, getting close enough to me that I felt threatened - I'm an awful person, God hates me now, If he could kick me out at that moment he would, all the usual. Then he launched into a new variety of I should be thankful he isn't taking me to the cleaners and taking everything I have. I should be bowing down and kissing his feet for being such a nice person. For the most part I just sit and listen when he rants. It might have been the hardest thing I've ever had to do to sit quietly and not respond last night. Why don't I respond? Wel...

I have recanted my initial response to Owen. I am weak and the man has control over me which I would prefer not to admit too, but for the sake of honesty I will. I'm weak for the AMAZING sex. I'm just going to say it. I ran this situation past my current life advisors, Miranda, Adam, Cindy, and Russell (weird I know, but we really do talk about everything) because it seems as of late that I need people to help me process. Anyway, they all unanimously said it's not my responsibility to fix his marriage. That's his issue and his alone to work through. Then this morning, Owen himself pretty much told me the same thing. So, in my weakened state I agreed to still see him but under the condition that we have to talk less and fuck more. I don't want to know how or what is going on in his personal life...tmi. Feel free to silently judge me. Oh and I'll give you something else to silently judge too...I so have a date tonight!! (slight girly squeal) I'm not sure how ...

So I’m looking down the barrel. This time next week I’ll have signed a lease on my new place, natch – my new life, and be starting the moving process. Next Friday will be my last night in our “family” home. Yesterday we did the attorney thing and got everything in line for our separation agreement. We can’t officially sign it until I move out but it will be ready and waiting. It was weirdly sad sitting in the attorney’s office yesterday. On one hand, I wanted to rage and scream at Duckie and the atty for being asses and on the other hand, it was really sad. It really was the official beginning of the end of our marriage. So here we are, the last week of me, Duckie, Leo, and Ladybug living under one roof. Tomorrow the packing officially starts. The anxiety over the whole “being apart from the kids” is threatening to overwhelm me. I mean Duckie is a great dad and I surely won’t mind some “alone” time but feeling the creeping reality that I won’t be the one to wake up Ladyb...

I put them on tonight and did what needed to be done and it sucks and I'm super sad over the prospect of not continuing this SUPER hot affair with Owen, but I knew what I needed to do with the information that he gave me. Here's the email I just sent him...now I'm going to finish this bottle of wine I started earlier and mourn the end of some of the hottest sex I've ever had....but I'm a better person for doing it. I wonder if it lasts. ;) Christ Almighty, it appears I have a conscience. You added grey into my very black and white universe this morning and I have struggled with it ALL day. Owen, I don't know what to do with what you told me today. Well, I do...I just don't want to have to be the one that says it. I'm sooooo tired of people putting me in the position to make decisions for them, but honestly how can I continue to see you when you told me what you did? I've retyped and erased this email like three times already, but I need to talk abo...

When I first created names for everyone, I chose Owen for Owen because I think he looks kind of like Owen Wilson, only much hotter. Adam, my former bf from NC, which I guess at some point I should go back and explain, said it reminded him of 'Throw Momma From The Train'. Today, I'm considering throwing Owen from this train. Men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut, which is astounding considering how they say the very same thing about us! Here's the situation. I know what to do, but the man just makes me weak. The sex really seriously is THAT good and again, I know if he wasn't seeing me that he would be seeing someone even in light of what you are about to read. Today we were texting about our next hook up. I have agreed to a three way and have found this smoking hot chick to do it with. No I'm not joining Russell on the other team, but I've never done it and Owen made it sound so freaking hot I agreed to try it. So, we were texting about th...

So I have a love/hate relationship with this great book - I Don't Know How She Does It: The Life of Kate Reddy, Working Mother by Allison Pearson. First time I read it, I loved it. It's all poignant about the trials and tribulations of a working mother. Cue tiny violins - how it's hard to juggle the demands of a career with family life with husbands. Second time I read it I had a different take, see in the end SPOILER ALERT, Kate decides you can't have it all and she quits her job to stay home with her kids There's tons of good quotes in there about being a mom and having a career but interesting side note, as I'm rereading it again for about the fifth time, I realized I had always glossed over the part where Kate stumbles into an affair. Shocker I know! Haha! I came across the passage and thought it was really good, offered a great parallel of how my affair with Sawyer took flight... "It's hard to explain how my relationship with Jack began. I rea...

Some how, some way a miracle occurred today. I got a curve ball thrown at me by Duckie . He called this afternoon and said his parents said they wanted to buy our house from us. They want to pay just what we need to get out of it completely free and clear. Said they decided to make it an investment property and they would "rent" it back to him. Hell, I don't care if they let him live here for free as long as it cuts that financial tie for me. At first I was freaked about it. I kept looking for some catch. After talking it over with several of my family members, I decided it was as good as it seemed. I told Duckie I'd do it with one caveat, I didn't want to have to pay his attorney fee. He surprisingly agreed. So we'll be out of the mortgage, I won't have to pay any of his dumbass attorney fees, the kids will still get to live in this neighborhood/have their friends/etc., and Leo won't have to even think about changing schools. Plus, it will either be...

Miranda and I were chatting on Facebook today and were discussing the upside of divorce is that you no longer have to deal with mother-in-laws (or any in-law) for that matter. This sucks for Russell because he actually likes my parents better, but we're still bffs so I'm sure he'll always be around them in some capacity. Anyway, his mother kind of sucks. Her husband (Russell's dad) died the year before we got married. I'd never had much interaction with her before this, but once we started dating and got married, she and I became pretty close. She sort of came into her own after he died and I would really enjoy talking to her and spending time with her...until she met her current husband. This guy is such an asshole. He's a total religious nut job - belongs to one of those mega, cult churches. I'm not a fan of his and neither is Russell, but we've had to mostly play nice for years. NOT ANYMORE, FOLKS! Well, not for me...the gloves are OFF! Actually, I ne...

So after two random good days where Duckie and I were incredibly civil to each other, today all hell broke loose again. Tonight he jumped all over me for no reason. He wanted to know again the reasons why I didn’t want to stay in our relationship. As I restated for the millionth time what was wrong, he’d interrupt me every two seconds to tell me how I was crazy, how I was having a mid-life crisis, and how I was an awful person. For those of you pondering the mid-life crisis comment – he claims I’m in the midst of one because I wear skirts, sweaters, and knee high boots to work. Oh and I listen to Beyonce. Ooookkkkkaaaayyyyy. Well as far as the clothes, that’s called fashion and the Beyonce, well you bought me the freaking CD! And on top of all that, 33 is not mid-life, nor old! Since when was I supposed to be wearing prairie skirts and listening to Barry Manilow at 33???? After the screaming wound down, he left me with this “zinger.” Tell the “the next guy I marry, I would ruin h...

I'm very pleased to report that Russell and I have had a very quiet, very nice weekend together. We have not fought about anything. We have hung out at the beach together both days. Last night, he made some super fantastic chicken and dumplings and we consumed mass quantities of wine on the couch while catching up on our DVR shows. It was like old times...nice, comfortable, and not filled with anger and being pissed at every little thing. He leaves to go to the mainland for work next week...so it should remain pretty quiet here too this week. Ahhhhh , peace. Sadly, Owen seems to have a side job this week on his days off...so I don't know if I'll get to take advantage of having the house all to myself. Miranda, if and when you are ready...I have a site for you. http://www.plentyoffish.com/ . It's free Internet dating. I'm not big on the hanging out in bars to meet people thing and I'm not paying for a site either. Last year, I met this cutie, John, on Craig...

So Sawyer and I have been in this "relationship" for about four months now. When we first started hooking up, we were dumb. We didn't use any birth control other than the famous teenage move of "pulling out" after the first couple of times, I was too worried about that backfiring and ending up knocked up with the neighbor's kid. Wouldn't that have been a heck of a story! Especially since Duckie had a vasectomy last spring!!! So we tried condoms, but you ladies know there's nothing sexy or romantic about getting all hot and bothered only to have to put things on pause when he fumbles with a wrapper, tries to stuff it in a condom, and then tries to pick things back up where you left off. Since we were "monogamous" with each other, well as much as we could be all things considered, I felt comfortable taking the supposed birth control reins. I tried the Today Sponge and just wasn't a fan. So I gave in and signed back up for the...

Oh Lord God, I'm scared of the dating world now because I think men just might be the craziest people on the planet...I now officially take this title off women. Let me just say, Miranda, that it's obvious Duckie is crazy by that last post of yours...indeed wtf?? While I was home in NC, I posted an ad on CL under the men for women section seeking someone to date. Crazy on my part?? Yes, of course it was...I'll admit to using that site for hookups and I've found some smoking hot guys on there (Owen included), but I don't think finding date worthy guy on there is gonna happen. Plus, it's really too soon for me to "date" anyone. I got a promising reply from this guy though that initially I thought was pretty hot, but then I decided that he's really not my "type" as far as someone I would want to eventually sleep with and since sex is the reason my marriage has failed...I'm pretty much into seeking that chemistry now. Call me a whore if y...

WFT is all I have to say. I got home last night and saw that Duckie was lying on the air mattress in Leo’s room. Since we officially decided to split, we’ve taken turns sleeping on the air mattress and in our bed. He said it didn’t make sense for us, two perfectly capable adults, to sleep in the same bed if we weren’t going to ever get it on. Whatever! In my efforts to keep the peace, I agreed to the every other night thing and we’ve kept that up until last night. So I saw him on the air mattress and reminded him it was his night to sleep in the bed. He said he had decided to stop sleeping in our bed. That it didn’t make sense and the bed “felt dirty.” If he only knew how "dirty" it really was. I literally almost did a little jig cause I love our, scratch that, MY bed. I said whatever and victoriously pranced into the bedroom for the night. So tonight, after torturing me for two days, generally being a complete and total dick, Duckie waltzed in the bedroom and a...

So Duckie told me he has questioned whether or not I'm having an affair. Which obviously dear blog readers I am, the kicker is he thinks if I'm having one it is with my boss. Because having an affair with the boss is so freaking smart, not that having an affair with the next door neighbor is much better but still. Now I have made a few affair errors in the last few months which I will share at another time but here are his reasons for suspicion as it stands: 1 - If I'm not having sex with him, I must be having it somewhere. Now the irony is that in our marriage, IF we had sex once a month that was a banner freaking month for us. So why would he think I was this highly sexual person who had to be having sex? The reality is I'm rediscovering that I am that same highly sexual girl I was back before him. Apparently all these years he's just killed my sex drive. 2 - I own and wore a thong. Just one. Years ago I tried wearing them and just didn't like it. Now I...

Looking back, I should have realized the signs and run...actually in hindsight I just don't know what in the hell I was thinking...why did I marry a gay man? For years, I thought gay men made the best husbands. Russell is fairly neat, he can dress himself, I've never watched a sporting event with him, we have similar musical interests, he loves the theater, and he cooks. Adam, the guy who I had my very first affair with, has been reading this blog and thinks I sound angry. Well, I am angry and I feel like I have a right to be because I've been sucking some stuff up for years. First "sign" that trouble was ahead... When Chloe was a little baby, our desktop broke. I know virtually nothing about computers so I'm not sure what exactly broke, but my uncle at the time was a computer expert. We asked him to take a look at it. He did and realized that it could not be saved, so he tried to save our important stuff of it...like pictures. He found more than he bargained...

The balance of power has shifted slightly here, but I'm feeling good about it. For 9 years I have handled our money and I've hated it...I SUCK at it. The only reason I started doing it was because Russell would get soooo pissed twice a month paying bills and watching all of his money fly out the window that I just ended up taking it over. I started trying to get out of this chore about 6 months ago to no avail. Now he's decided he wants to be able to spend some of "his money" without my control...bring it on big boy. I sat here last night as he huffed through writing our checks due and watched with delight as he realized that the reason he can't spend "his money" is because he doesn't have any...ALL of our money here in Hawaii goes to HOUSING. We knew this was going to the be the case when we moved here and agreed being house poor in HI is worth is, but I must say I enjoyed the smell of his defeat last night when he realized I haven't been p...

16 days till I'm out of here and the freak away from Duckie AKA Dickie or Dickless . After putting the deposit down on my apartment yesterday all holy hell has broke loose. He's uber pissed and other than being exhausted by his drama, I could not care less. It's even come to the point that he says if I choose to use a lawyer other than his, he's going to dump all our plans and fight me for everything. I'm exhausted. I just want out. Tonight Duckie said "I've been getting walked on by you for 10 years and I'm done." Hello fucker! I had to walk on you because you're too emotionally stunted to let your testes descend and be a real man. 16 days and not a moment too soon. I sure hope he's not harboring some deep seeded hope that by showing me he's finally a "man" and how tough he can be it's going to change my mind. I was absolutely sure about my decision to dump his ass six weeks ago and every passing day just re...

Being in the midst of negotiating a separation - not being able to say how much of a punk you think the other person is being. Not being able to say, "look I know I have hurt you terribly but would you just shut the fuck up already! Let's just get out of this as quickly as possible you big puss! Being in the midst of a torrid affair - Having to keep it a secret! Even if you tell your friends about it, the vast majority don't want to hear any details. Part of the great fun of a relationship is discussing it with your girlfriends! When you can't do that, it sucks! Being in my house tonight - not nearly enough wine to quell the inner demons... Miranda

Miranda, your post lit a fire under my ass. I read those comments and was appalled. First, let me say that I grew up hearing my Mama say "If he'll cheat with you, he'll cheat on you.". Now interestingly enough in adulthood, I reminded her of hearing that phrase my whole life when I was telling her about my current state of affairs (hmm, and I mean that literally in this case) and she denied EVER saying it...lol, but she did and she said it often enough it stuck. Now, I have no intention of ever being with Owen. I mean, I guess if things were different I would consider it, but they are what they are and I'm very happy with our current arrangement. I have a lot more thoughts on this whole situation regarding your posting, but I'll save them up for later as to not make this too lengthy. All that being said, I've been SHOCKED by the number of people that have told me how unhappy they are since I've told them Russell and I are splitting. I mean, it's a ...

A while back, before the glory of this blog, I posted an anonymous comment in one of my fave blogs - Her Bad Mother's Basement - about my affair with Sawyer . It's allbeit a little mushy - it was written on one of those days when I fancied my emotions for Sawyer leaning from the good "l" word (lust/like) to the bad "l" word (love) haha. Funny, now it's ignited a trail of comments you must read. Some from sympathizers, most from women scorned. Check it out - Miranda http://herbadmother.blogspot.com/2010/02/about-neighbor.html

I stumbled onto this piece of beach a few months ago that has become my absolute favorite place on the island. I call it "Paradise Found". I actually found it because Owen and I use the end of the road it's on for some lunchtime fun periodically. On day, I decided to check out the beach access and it's one of the most pristine, gorgeous places ever. They film Lost on this beach...I frequently see sea turtles and monk seals on this beach...and this is where I went the day I told Russell that I wanted a divorce. I have not been back to this beach until today, and it kind of sucked. I sat in my favorite spot today, which is where I was sitting as I spewed those words at him just 3 weeks ago, and thought 'OMFG, what have I done??'. I don't hate him, despite how some of these posts read. I am angry and bitter, but by god I sort of have a right to be, don't I? I know that if I don't divorce him that I will end up even angrier and hating him, but today ...

So today I spent what felt like a fruitless day searching for a new place to live. Realizing that I'm going to be paying Duckie $500 a month for three years to be rid of him, though very worth it, hurts the budget! As soon as the papers are signed, sealed, and delivered I have some very choice words for Duckie. As Sawyer and I discussed that today he said Duckie's man card was going to be revoked and I told him Duckie never had one in the first place! After looking at many sad, say apartments and houses today I stumbled on an awesome complex! I can even afford the three bedroom version so Ladybug and Leo don't kill each other sharing a room. It's super nice and as soon as I walked in it just felt like "home." Plus, Duckie won't be able to afford to live there so I know we won't end up living in the same freaking complex. A potential outcome he mentioned last night and seem quite excited about how it would "ease" the transition for the...

So today Duckie is still backpedaling but really wants some “support” when we split. Maybe I’m just biased since I’m a woman but I think it’s pretty pathetic that a 37 year old man needs support from his ex-wife just because he’s too lazy/weak to either get a job making more money or get a 2nd job to help cover the bills. Whatever! Once we have everything finalized and formalized, I have a few choice words to share with him. Today was Sawyer ’s stepdaughter’s birthday party. It was at the skating rink and reminded me of how much fun it was to go skating back in the day. While there, I was not only surrounded by Sawyer, his wife, and kids but also many of Sawyer’s friends and family. Now maybe I’m a bad person but I generally don’t feel “guilty” or bad for what we are doing when I’m around his wife. I mean it’s not like I seek out her friendship but we chat on occasion. However being around the family felt awkward and more than a little uncomfortable. Plus it was hard as he...

Ok, so I know I said I wasn't going to over post, but this is a good one. You DO NOT challenge Southern women on their china, crystal, and silver...EVER. It is ours...period. Hell, it's why we get married in the first place...otherwise, we would just live with the men. My poor stupid Yankee husband said something so ridiculous tonight, I couldn't help but share it...of course with a little back story. My mother was married to another man years before my daddy...his name was Tom for the sake of this blog. When my mother (who's actually my step-mother, but we DO NOT use that term), left her 1st ex-husband she called her Daddy and told him. A little while later, her mother phoned and asked "Darling, did you get your crystal?". It was her first question. I'm not making this stuff up. She was DEAD serious. It has set a tone in my family, a hilarious tone, but a tone all the same. Tonight, Russell and I were discussing our storage POD. I told him that my mama a...

Thursday evening, Duckie and I had a very civil conversation about dividing up our property. All went well, I even got my bed which was number one on my list – you must try a Beauty Rest bed if you haven’t already – it’s quite dreamy. As we wrapped up our conversation he dropped this bombshell, “Oh and I just want to tell you that you will be receiving some paperwork certified mail tomorrow. I retained a lawyer a few weeks ago so you’ll need to sign for the letter.” WTF!!!!! We had agreed to do this separation thing without lawyers. Until this point things had been relatively peaceful. I asked what exactly this paperwork was and he couldn’t really tell me (should have been warning sign #1) but he did so kindly point out that there was some “language” around custody and not to freak out he had already addressed the fact that we are doing 50/50 custody with his lawyer. That whatever this “paperwork” said didn’t change all the other stuff we had agreed on to this point. So I im...

I probably won't keep blogging quite this often once the dust settles some, but OMG this and wine beats the crap out of $150 an hour for a therapist. I'm pretty sure I'm going to need a liver transplant when this is all said and done, or rehab at the very least. Russell texted me this AM to tell me that the store that he works in is having a suit sale this weekend. He suggested I come in and buy one, you know for interviews. HAHA! Guess what? I'm not even LOOKING for a full time job until AFTER April when I hear whether or not I get accepted into the MSW program. Our deal is that if I get accepted, he will continue to support me fully for the 2 years that I'm in the program. If I don't then he will keep supporting me until I can find a full time job and establish myself some financially. I don't mean to sound bitchy about this, but WE decided that once we moved to Hawaii and paid off our debt that I would only work part time to be home with Chloe more. I wen...

I left for NC THE same night that I asked for a divorce. In some ways the timing was great and in others, it blew. It was what it was though and I wasn't skipping a trip to see my family and friends just because my marriage was finally blowing up. In many ways, it was very cathartic. Here's what's been up since I got home though...much less cathartic. While I was in NC, I took off my wedding ring. Actually the 26th, I gave him back the engagement ring to return to his mother. He gave it right back though and told me to keep it for Chloe. Ok, whatever...so, when I told him I'd taken off my rings he told me that he had done the same thing. I think these pieces of jewelry are very symbolic and it felt fake for me to keep wearing them. We didn't discuss it again. THEN I get home and he picks us up from the airport, wearing HIS ring. WTF?? He's had it on every since then. I finally asked about it because it's driving me batshit crazy. He tells me not to worry abo...

I’m your average, middle class, married working woman, two kids, nice house, church going, supportive family. Everything that should make me a “good” person. Here I am in the midst of a tumultuous affair with my next-door neighbor. Yes it’s my own personal Lifetime movie! Let me go back to the beginning… I’ve been a good wife for the most part these past 10 years. My marriage to Duckie (and yes that is a perfectly good reference and comparison to the original Duckie from the classic Pretty in Pink) was never anything exciting but it was comfortable, solid, something I decided I just needed to be happy with. I never strayed all these years, though more than once I considered having an affair usually out of anger or frustration. Over the last 3 years especially, things grew more and more distant. I stopped trying to talk to Duckie because he never understood me, never had. Despite his arguments and disbelief, we have serious communication issues and honestly, I’m tired of supp...

A few years ago I became bored in my marriage. I'm married to my best friend, which complicates things a lot. My husband is Bi (well, that was his story at the time) and he wasn't showing me any intimate attention. Admittedly I had gotten fat after having our daughter, but I later learned it wasn't me (seriously). Three years ago I started having affairs with other married men. It seemed safer that way with less emotional connection, thus not really jeopardizing my marriage. By the way, I've lost all the weight plus some in the last 3 years too - infidelity does have it's benefits! In 2008, we moved to Hawaii and I kept having affairs in the new location. In January of last year, I met Owen and have been having THE most intense, hot affair with him every since. In April of last year, my husband and I decided to have an open marriage so that he could see other men and I could see Owen without guilt. I did not come clean with him about my past affairs until early this...