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Thursday, August 2, 2012

The Case of the Missing Dress

Aloha blogging world!! I've been gone awhile but Miranda's recent visit brought up an old memory that is too good not to share.

In September of last year, Miranda accompanied me on my journey to move to Hawaii. I'm not sure what night it was but towards the beginning of the trip the three of us (myself, Jules and Miranda) decided to take a trip to the local 'bar'. I put that word in quotes because by bar I mean the Hawaiian version of a sports bar that doubles as a karaoke hotspot for obese old people with bad fashion choices. Well, we made the best of the situation and consumed enough alcohol to tolerate the lameness. This was also the night where I heard the pickup line that may have landed the #1 spot on my list - "I have a red Corvette and a six pack" - to which I replied, "And I have a boyfriend". Anyways, after we got good and drunk we made a quick pit stop at the local Seven Eleven to pick up the essentials - doritos, spam masubi, more doritos, reeses cups, hell anything we could get our hands on. We headed back to Jules' porch where they photographed my first ever attempt at eating a spam masubi (a piece of grilled spam on top of rice, wrapped in seaweed). I think we may have smoked pot too but honestly I can't remember. Fast forward an hour or so and we were all ready to pass out. I went in to my new room (which used to be Gavin's room - this is an important fact to remember), Jules went into her bed and Miranda shacked up with Russell because she didn't want to sleep in Jules' bed which had been soiled by Gavin (not literally lol). This is where things got crazy, at least for Gwyn.

I woke up the next morning and noticed a strange, white-ish colored stain on the floor next to my bed. It looked like someone had made a two year old's attempt at cleaning it up but it was still noticeable. Upon further inspection, I realized that it was a puke stain. Totally confused, I got up and decided to ask Jules, Miranda and Russell if they had thrown up in my room. I knew it wasn't me because 1)  I never throw up from drinking, in all my years of boozing I've only thrown up 3 or 4 times and all of those times were during high school when I was an amateur 2)  I didn't taste throw up in my mouth and 3) I'm far too much of a clean freak to let a pool of puke sit by my bed all night. Jules, Miranda and Russell all insisted it wasn't them either and I started to get a little freaked out. My thought was that someone came into my room, stood over my bed staring at me and then threw up - wait a second. Ok, anyways, I never could figure out what happened but just assumed one of them must have come in to drunk talk with me and then got sick and just didn't remember. But then another piece of the puzzle came into play.

I realized that the dress I had worn the night before was missing. Now, at this point, I had only been to two places in Hawaii where I would have been removing clothes - Jules' place and McDreamy's apartment. I didn't have a car, I didn't have any friends nor my own apartment and I had not stayed anywhere besides those two places. I searched high and low for that dress and never found it. I looked through my laundry, McDreamy's laundry and closets, searched Jules' entire house....the dress was nowhere to be found. The last time I know where it was was on the floor of my room where I tossed it before I passed out that night. I was totally mystified. What in the hell happened to my dress and, more importantly, who came into my room in the middle of the night and puked by my bed?!?!

Fast forward again to Miranda's most recent July visit to Hawaii. We were reminiscing about her last visit and how crazy hilarious the night out at the pseudo sports bar was. All that talk got me thinking about the missing dress and mystery puke incident. I'm not sure why but all of the sudden it all became crystal clear. I solved the mystery. So here's what happened - Gavin had been at the house earlier in the evening during the night in question and left before we went out....Gavin returned to the house in the middle of the night (as he was prone to do) and went into Jules' room but was unsuccessful in finding a place to sleep (not clear if she kicked him out or if Chloe was in there but whatever the case he couldn't get in her bed)..he then went into his old room to crash and was thwarted again when he saw me peacefully sleeping....due to his penchant for drinking and doing drugs he got sick to his stomach before he could make it out of his old room....like a child, he searched for something nearby to cover up his puking tracks....he found my dress lying on the floor and made a half ass-drunk-high-brain of a two year old-attempt to clean up the puke....he failed....he took the dress with him and left the house since he couldn't find a place to sleep...he threw the dress away in an undisclosed location never to be seen again.

If any of you have any mysteries that need solving, I'm available for a small fee.

-Gwyn

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