Thursday, March 22, 2012

Breaking Patterns

So this month of grounding (still have a week to go dammit) has been interesting. Sometimes painful, sometimes peaceful, and full of hard work. Basically it’s required me by and large to change all my patterns. I certainly haven’t been perfect and I’ve bent (ok broken) the rules once or twice but by and large I’ve stuck to it and I am really starting to feel clearer about my feelings, emotions, and motivations but I still have a long way to go.

You know growing up I always heard people say it takes three weeks to form a habit but a quick Google search shows that psychologists now say it takes closer to 66 days. So if I really want to continue down this path of self revision and discovery I need to extend my grounding for another month. That’s a long ass time!

It’s funny. As I’ve been nursing my boss through her break up it’s given me something else to focus on and I’ve been more open with her about things I’ve learned over the last two years. I’ve also seen her on the brink of developing some of the bad habits I’ve developed and it’s been both eye opening and motivation to keep her from falling into my ruts and to keep pulling myself out of them.

It’s like I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster nonstop for two years. Every new guy presented another “hill” to climb, emotions rocketing up and down as I raced around the track with him. Many times with multiple “relationships” going on at once. Then the whole Coach thing happened and I so do not want to rehash the constant ups and downs with him. And over the last 8 months it’s been me battling the issues leftover from him while trying to start something new with someone else.

I realized the other day that since I left Duckie, I have not been legitimately single. I have either been dating or talking to someone non-stop over the last 25 months. That’s nuts! I don’t think I’ve gone longer than a week without a date. Good lord Miranda! Take a break woman! No wonder I’m so exhausted all the time.

All this is to say I’m considering extending my grounding for another month by and large. I’m completely off the online dating world. I’ve pretty much slashed and burned every guy I was talking to (Jules – including Jethro yesterday because I decided you know I really don’t need to keep beating my head against a brick wall after all. And I haven’t even been going out other than to work related functions or just to hang out at my boss’s house. Sometimes it’s really boring I’ll be honest lol. But it’s also helped hugely to get my lingering repressed anger under control and take time to focus just on me.

Now that I’m not frantically running around juggling boys, I actually take a minute to think before I respond to one or before I do something boy related. And I’ve been trying to take better care of myself mentally and physically. And I’m getting better each day. Stronger. More secure. More settled back into who I want Miranda to be.

Grounding has not been fun but it sure has been useful. Here’s hoping I can go another month.


PS - Dr. Jules gave me some great insight today when we were chatting and she said maybe all this boy attention seeking behavior was me acting out to get the attention I felt like I never got from Duckie.  Good food for thought Dr Jules!

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