Why do Narcissists Like Me???

During my painful 18 month split from Peabody, I, thanks in part to a tremendous therapist, realized that Peabody was a narcissist.  And in those final days of dating the Rock Star I realized that he too was a narcissist.  And in fact, when I look back over the years, a lot of guys I’ve dated have been various forms of narcissists. WTF!

I read so much on narcissism during my Peabody split I could write a dissertation on them at this point.  For Peabody, he was a Vulnerable Narcissist.  Vulnerable narcissists are self-absorbed, entitled, exploitative, unempathetic, manipulative, and aggressive, and they fear criticism so much that they shy away from attention. They lack autonomy, have imposter syndrome, a weak sense of self, are self-alienated and unable to master their environment.  Vulnerable narcissists are insecure and unhappy with their lives and they experience more distress, anxiety, guilt, depression, hypersensitivity, and shame. They’re conflicted, holding both inflated and negative irrational views of themselves — the latter which they project onto other people, their lives, and the future. They require reinforcement for their grandiose self-image and are highly defensive when perceived criticism triggers their negative opinion of themselves.

The Rock Star had a lot of those traits but he’s more of a Communal Narcissist.  They value warmth, agreeableness, and relatedness. They see themselves and want to be seen by others as the most trustworthy and supportive person and try to achieve this through friendliness and kindness. They’re outgoing like the grandiose narcissist. However, whereas the grandiose narcissist wants to be seen as the smartest and most powerful, a communal narcissist wants to be seen as the most giving and helpful. Communal narcissists’ vain selflessness is no less selfish than that of a grandiose narcissist. They both share similar motives for grandiosity, esteem, entitlement, and power, although they each employ different behaviors to achieve them. When their hypocrisy is discovered, it’s a bigger fall.

The super over the top aspect of our relationship was all love bombing which is a classic narcissist tactic to make you feel connected to them deeply and ultimately let them control you. Peabody wasn’t a verbal love bomber like the Rock Star but he did it in gifts and travel and experiences. 

The more I dig into my dating history the more I see that I have dated various forms of narcissists for YEARS.  It’s definitely something I’m hyper aware of now and honestly something that makes me jump ship very easily now.  Here’s a great article on signs you may be dating a narcissist if you’re interested… https://www.instyle.com/lifestyle/dating-a-narcissist

In counseling talking about Peabody, my therapist hit me with a revelation that reverberates even two years later.  She had me talk about my parents and their relationship with each other and with myself.  And in the middle of talking about my relationship with my mother, she said, “We most often either marry someone just like our mother or our father. I think you married someone like your MOTHER.”

I was gobsmacked.  I had never thought about how much Peabody acted like my mother.  And I had certainly never realized that my mother was a narcissist. When my dad was alive he was the buffer, he protected us from her less than positive traits.  After he died I always felt like it changed her and over the years talking to my sister I realize that she was always like this - I just either was too young, lived far away or had my dad as a buffer to her narcissism. 

This revelation really changed my relationship with my mother and made me set hard boundaries with her that never existed before.  She doesn’t like it and complains every once in a while about it now but it is definitely helping keep the relationship healthier from my side at least.

It also has made me have some big walls up when I first meet people now and makes me look at them much more critically than I ever did before. I think I almost approach everyone expecting them to be a narcissist which probably isn’t the healthiest but I’m all about the growth process these days…