The more things seem to change, the more they stay the same - sometimes - The Return of Sawyer Part 2

 So yeah Sawyer and I finally got our practically healthy grown up relationship. I realize how much of an oxymoron that sounds but if you read any of the old blog where he and I were “dating” we were so immature and ridiculous then. 

The first night he came over we just hung out for a while and of course he laid one of his trademark knee melting kisses on me right away.  The chemistry between us has always been incredible, definitely unmatched with anyone I’ve been with in my history. We sat on the couch for a while and just talked.  Caught up on the years and how life had been and all that stuff.  He suggested we grab some takeout so we went out and he held the door open for me in his giant ass truck and helped me get it.  As I was sitting in his truck waiting for him to get in, it was totally surreal.  We drove down the road and he started laughing and said exactly what I was thinking – how weird it was after all these years and all history to be out in public together. 

We grabbed dinner and watched a movie and to no surprise we ended up naked and sweaty in no time.  The sex with him was always the thing of fantasies in my head and my memory had served me well.  He’s super aggressive in the bedroom and the king of dirty talk and it was just explosive. Afterwards we laid in bed and he pulled me over to lay on his chest and we just lay there in silence as he stroked my hair.  Again it was so surreal.  He eventually had to get up and go home and he kissed me deeply and left with me wondering what in the hell had just happened. 

The next few weeks were a flurry of multiple times of talking each day on the phone, he’s a sales rep so he spends lot of time driving and liked to call me to chat, lots of dinners at home (it was still before restaurants really opened back up due to Covid) and generally the relationship being almost everything I had ever dreamed of with him.  Then there was a drunken night of his….

He had been at a friend’s house nearby and apparently drank A LOT.  He called me around 11:30 and asked if he could spend the night here instead of driving all the way home. I of course said yes and a few minutes later he showed up at my door.  I was all warm and sleepy, I had gone to bed early for a change, and he barreled in and scooped me up and started kissing me.  He was DRUNK with a capital D.  I made him some food to try to get him to eat because I knew he would feel terrible in the morning and next thing I knew he leapt out of bed and buried his head in the toilet throwing up – so so so not sexy but hilarious to me anyways.  The next hour was him alternately laying on the floor of my bathroom holding him hand while I sat outside the door and then he’d throw up again lol.  He kept apologizing and saying how sorry he was and then he started talking about the old days.

He told me he had been truly in love with me back in the day, we’re talking about a decade ago, and that he had always loved me since then.  He said he loved me now and he couldn’t believe we were actually dating.  While I liked hearing all this, I am finally too salty to chalk it up to more than drunken confessions but it was still nice to hear.  He finally got the alcohol out of his system and we went to bed. 

The next morning he felt like all hell with a hangover but he told me he remembered saying all that stuff and that he hoped I wasn’t freaked out.  I told him I chalked it up to being drunk and not to worry about it.  We then had a weird conversation about going public with our relationship and the challenges that would bring – it would certainly raise an eyebrow with our families and exs and anyone who knew about the past. 

We tabled the discussion and spent the next few weeks again just having an honestly great, easy time together.  We are incredibly different people but I started to think about what a public life with him would be like.  Could I be around his family (they are super country rednecks and super conservative Trumpers)? What would telling people we were dating be like?  Would I ever truly trust him given what I know about him?

I did my best to squash those questions and just be happy in the present.  He told me when his ex-girlfriend, who he had lived with and said he had really loved her, reached out to him around Halloween.  He told me when they ended up at the same Halloween party.  He also told me how conflicted he felt about us and the feelings she brought back up when she told him she wanted him back. 

At this point, I was really struggling with imagining a public life with him.  We had had this gorgeous little secret Covid romance but I just couldn’t imagine life out in the real world so to speak.  I told him to think about his feelings and if he felt like there was anything lingering with this girl, he should go explore it.  It was honestly hard to say that to him.  Even though I knew all the odds were against us being a long term thing, it was a painful thing to “love someone and set them free.”  He hemmed and hawed for a few days about it and we had some of the most honest and frank conversations I’ve ever had about love and loss and following your heart. 

Ultimately he took my advice and got back with his ex.  That was about 10 months ago and they are still together, living together, and from what I see on social media happy.  He’s texted me and called me a few times but I’ve tried hard to maintain the distance that is appropriate and healthiest for me.

About six weeks after they got back together, he came by my house to pick up some stuff he had left here.  He made it more than apparent that if I was down to be his sneaky link he’d be all about that.  Some things never change, but me understanding and seeing exactly who he is at long long last -  that my friends sure as hell has changed.