Words Have Failed Me

A year ago November 2 was the worst day of my life.  It was the day my dad took his own life.  It was a day that irrevocably changed me and my life in every way possible.

So much of this last year has been focused on “firsts.”  First Thanksgiving without dad, first Christmas, first father’s day, first birthday.  I’ve made so many radical life changes.  I sit here a different woman than I was 365 days ago.

I’ve been thinking a lot about what I wanted to write in this post.  The emotional cutting side of me wants to relive every detail of that horrible day and I think there will be a time and place to do that but I think this post should be more about what I’ve learned.  But the truth is I have been sitting here for more than an hour spinning my wheels with what to say.  I think the emotions are too close to the surface for me to make coherent thought right now.

I was at the post office on Monday and realized it’s been one year since I last physically saw and spoke to my dad.  The last day I saw him he’d gone to church with us and we tried to convince him to come to lunch.  He said he was too tired and just wanted to go home.  I tried and tired to convince him but he wouldn’t change his mind. I was annoyed and frustrated with him.  I spent that whole afternoon thinking about how different my life would be now having a family member with a “mental” issue.  How naive of me.

Monday, November 2 started like any other day and I had every intention of calling him to check on him that morning.  But like most Mondays, the hustle and bustle of work caught my attention and I missed out on speaking to him the last day he was alive.

It’s weird; one of the things the whole family did in the days afterwards was look at our cell phones to see the last time we talked to him and to see if any of us had a voicemail saved from him.  None of us did.  It’s so funny how things happen and you lose all chance to say and do the things you should be saying and doing every day.

My post is wandering, forgive me.  Despite this horrible, tragic thing, I know my life is better now than it was.  I truly understand that life is fleeting.  One day you are here and the next you are not.  You need to fully live in every moment possible.  You need to take risks, be brave, make changes, try new things, say what you need to say, and do the things that make you happiest.  You need to trust your instincts, to be courageous enough to face your fears, and not be afraid to totally fuck up every once in a while.

I know I have so much more to learn.  So much life left to live.  More than anything, I know that I have been surrounded by the most amazing, wonderful, and special people in the last year.  People who always know how to make me smile, how to make me laugh, and how to get me through the darkest moments of my life.  People who have taught me so much about living life in the realest way possible.  People who walk beside me every step of the way no matter if they live 15 minutes away or 15 hours away. This tragic, awful thing has brought me close to so many friends, old and new, people that I cannot imagine how I ever went a day without in the past.  I cannot express how grateful I am for their friendship and what a difference they have made in my life.

Very little in my life is the same as it was a year ago.  My family is still struggling with this “new” reality, but we are all growing and changing in good ways.  Keep us in your thoughts on this hard day. 

The sunny, happy go lucky, boy crazed Miranda is right around the corner.

Miranda